A Team in Decline

[WCBS radio broadcast of Yankees @ Rangers, 8/5/08]

8:06 Suzyn Waldman is relaying the news about Joba's shoulder: he had an MRI today, and he's flying down to Alabama to see Dr. James Andrews tomorrow. Hmm... that's a bit like following up "Officer, what are the results of my breathalyzer test?" with "Sir, please put your hands behind your back."

8:10 Suzyn- "You'd love to shuffle around the rotation so we don't have two kids pitching back-to-back..." Good luck with that one. Next you can solve the Königsberg Bridge problem.

8:15 Sterling's already stammering away. He topped himself over the weekend with "It's an I.B.R. for Aybar!"

8:16 Give 'im credit-- he did call the Yankee loss last night immediately after Marte walked the leadoff guy. John's good like that.

8:20 Jeez, Hamilton just blasted one. Can somebody please test this guy's urine? Or can someone at least slip something illegal into it?

8:30 I love how Suzye's always saying, "Well, it's just like how so-and-so was telling me the other day..." where so-and-so is some major league player or coach. Isn't that part of her job? Does she have to make it sound like she just happened to be chatting with these guys?

8:33 Sterling- "You know Sexson... terrible numbers, a million strikeouts."

8:42 You can't really blame Cano for booting that one-- apparently the ball "serpentined" at him.

8:52 How many double plays can we possibly hit into tonight?

9:05 I guess we can hit into a few more...

9:14 Pettitte's thrown about 400 pitches already.

9:15 You know, listening to Sterling is almost like being at the game... if you have crappy right field upper deck seats. Every ball that's hit hard in the air might be a home run, and you can't tell until it's either caught or already gone.

9:18 Funny, when you listen to games you tend to picture the guys sucking even worse then they really are. A groundout to short becomes Cano lazily loping down to first base; a popup becomes A-Rod wildly lunging at the ball. Actually, these aren't so farfetched at all.

9:21 We just had the brilliant idea of taking sleeping pills and redecorating the living room. Hallelujah!

9:24 Not having a giant television in your living room allows for a frightening amount of creativity. It's like your 4th grade art teacher saying, "Draw a self portrait, but don't draw your head in between your shoulders."

9:28 The NYC Board of Ed budget cuts are really getting scary. Teachers just found out that their annual personal supply allowances have been cut nearly in half. The UFT presented this as a huge victory, like "coulda been a lot worse!" This is, of course, on top of the massive cuts to schools' budgets as a whole. Hopefully the effort to make all schoolwork electronic will take shape quickly, as schools will be unable to afford books, paper, pens, and possibly teachers.

9:38 Classic Sterling-- "It is high, it is far, it is... caught, no it's dropped!"

9:51 Wow, Ambien really makes you think you can move giant dressers all by yourself, or that your arm can actually reach 7 feet under the bed to switch plugs in a pesky outlet. If bursts of adrenaline give people in terrible disasters a burst of physical strength powerful enough to lift a truck off a child's crushed leg, then tabs of Ambien merely give you the belief that you can lift a bookshelf all by yourself, without any of the incredible strength necessary to do it. It's like decorating your home during a high profile mine disaster rescue effort-- hopefully my CD player won't disappear down a dark shaft in a cloudy explosion.

10:09 Amazing how Mizz M can see exactly what looks right in the room. She walks around, moves a few lamps, arranges a couple of knickknacks, and the room looks a lot better than it did an hour ago. Pieces have new functions, places have clear reasons, and some stupid crap of mine is politely shown the door. All in good taste.

10:23 Something's working here... I just reconnected the stereo in a new spot, and the new speaker positions are right on. "3000" from Dr. Octagon proved that point quite nicely.

10:27 Whoa! The Mizz is going out for a PinkBerry run! That leaves me alone to (1) take over decorating duties & ideas (2) keep fingers available for the report (3) keep an eye on LJ (4) Yankee game... Yankee Game!!!! I gotta get it together here!

10:33 OK, bases loaded with one out, down 3 runs. DOUBLE PLAY! Nothing's changed at all! I should go back to hanging pictures in the hallway.

10:40 If you really want to feel at ease, drop in on your child while he/she is fast asleep for the night. The mere sight makes every one of your problems that seem so complicated and crazy look as simple as pie. Nothing to it.

10:50 Whoa, just got sidetracked playing Scramble. I was collecting words at about one-third my normal speed, which is a very low speed.

10:52 I guess the Rangers scored a few runs while I was trying to spell "GNEIST" and "QUARZA" (not only was I trying to score these words, I was also desperately trying to spell them correctly.). It's now 8-2.

10:59 The MLB Gameday is actually pretty cool. I just watched a vector-driven rendering of A-Rod getting beaned by the Ranger picher. Kinda fun. If you use the 360 degree controls for the batters's box (which I always do), you can create some cool, although confusing, alternative views of the game. Or you can just listen to John and Suzyn.

11:05 My wife just got back with the goods! Delicious PinkBerry Yogurt with all sorts of toppings, like-- wait, Sexson just smashed a grand slam!!! We're only down by 2! Yep, still tastes real good.

11:36 Four double plays and three moved tables later, the Yankees finally lost. They're looking like a team that can't keep up with teams they're slightly better than, also known as a team in decline.

I'm glad it's not my job to fix all the shit that's wrong right now. It's enough of a job just to talk about it.