Monday, December 28, 2009

The Pussy is Free-ee (but the wax costs money!)

Hey, if you haven't checked out the Ministry of Information yet, you're a fucking deadbeat. DJ HSP aka "High School Pussy" aka "Home Slice Pussy" has undertaken a task as ambitious as the Human Genome Project (HGP), which I suppose makes him the James Watson of hip-hop.

No shit, get your ass to Mars and see what the man has to offer. I GUARANTEE you'll hear something you've never heard before and I GUARANTEE it'll be good. From stuff you already know (Main Source, Kool G Rap) to stuff you should already know (Godfather Don, J-Live) to stuff you definitely don't know (Tootskee and the Czar MC, Poison Ladd S.L.R.), HS Pussy gets 'em off every time.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

SYR to LGA (live in-progress)

I know "holiday delays at the airport" stories are a dime a dozen, but...

December 23, 2009
8:34am - Reported to my gate exactly 30 minutes before scheduled departure. There are no US Air employees anywhere. Screen says "ON TIME".

8:39 - A few other passengers around. Doesn't look good.

8:42 - There are two separate groups flying with dogs on my flight. Each group is headed by an obese older woman with polyester pants. I'm still not sure if the groups are related. The dogs in each group are yelping like the dickens.

8:46 - A smart looking girl just announced from her Blackberry that our flight's delayed at least an hour and a half. An idiot responded, "What does that mean?!"

8:50 - One of the dogs just escaped from its bag. One of the fat ladies chased after it, but the dog's leash got wrapped around one of the other dogs. Complete bedlam... I feel like I'm living inside a P.D.Eastman boardbook.

8:57 - U.S. Air crew finally showed up. The guy's announcing the delays over the intercom while fat dog lady #2 screams into her cell phone that she doesn't know when the flight's leaving.

9:08 - We might be the only gate with a flight in the entire wing-- there's nobody here. At least there's some sort of bonding thing when you're delayed among throngs of desperate holiday travelers; we're feeling like a bunch of losers here.

9:23 - I think I have a BabyRuth candy bar somewhere. Our food options are terrible: an Au Bon Pain with fossilized pastries and a vending machine. Maybe the bar will open soon.

9:27 - Hey, a flight just arrived at our gate! A fantastically gay-looking guy just strutted in from the walkway with rainbow-striped boots and a white puffy hat. Thank god... that's the first evidence of civilization since I flew out of LGA Tuesday morning.

9:31 - Hmm, that doesn't seem to be our plane. Then whose is it? Philadelphia?! We've been lapped by the next scheduled departure from our gate.

9:33 - Awesome! They just paged "Heinie Webb" on the intercom and the girl next to me got up and walked over to the desk! OK, maybe it was "Heidi Webb".

9:38 - Wow, the Blackberry girl is sitting and chatting with fat dog lady #1. I must be a complete prick bastard... I wouldn't talk to any of these people for all the tea in China. I mean, a crazy lady with a dog? She'll never be able to shake her off! Ever!

9:43 - At least I got to watch Sex Rehab last night before I went to bed. Phil Varone looked like he might literally explode if he didn't get some action ASAP. Then he pretty much came out and said, "I'm gonna lose it if I don't jerk off or at least spoon with someone" or something to that effect. An utterly compelling character.

FUCK! The damn airport just cut off my signal mid-post... lost some funny shit about driving on cough syrup and killing dogs. I'm quitting.

...and I'm back with live shit mid-air:
10:48 – Finally getting on the damn plane. Into the tunnel, down the stairs and out into the snow. Propeller plane in a snowstorm. Not sure if we’re flying to LaGuardia or Everest base camp.

10:52 – Might be Everest base camp after all… a family of small Indians are climbing around the seats of the tiny plane as I board. The stewardess is chasing two little kids around, yelling “No! No! Sit!” The mom and dad are equally as clueless, squinting at their boarding stubs muttering “D? F? 2?” Totally weird.

10:54 – Next wave of passengers is a quartet of Asian men in sweatsuit pants. None speak English but all are wearing headphones.

10:56 – The stewardess has the tricky job of communicating that we should really be sitting in our seats but since the plane isn’t even half-full you can actually sit wherever you want. None of the passengers except myself and two women seem to understand this subtlety.

11:05 – Out on the runway, props spinning, plane humming, KAPUT. We’re grounded for at least 15 minutes, minimum.

11:07 – Stewardess comes around for another round of admonishings: “No! No! No music! Sit!”

11:10 (estimate) – I think we’re taking off now…

11:32 – No snacks.

11:41 – “No! No cameras! No!”

11:42 – As I look out over the majesty of the Himalaya and the Annapurna massif, my mind wanders… nope, looks like either Scranton or White Plains.

11:50 – If this plane crashes, it would make a lousy movie.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Alaska Diaries, week 8

Pukers Die!!! The Alaska Diaries [names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent]

WEEK EIGHT: Tequila hijinks, hitchin'

Monday (day 50)
Blew off work again.
Me, ________, and _______ buy a bottle of tequila instead. We get completely wasted before gig. The Nightwatch hates us.


Tougher Than the Rest
Stone Free w/drums
[I assume this means that I didn't play drums?]

We jump in the Kenai River after the gig. Great listen to Soul II Soul in van on way home.  _______ and _______ wrestle in the back of the van and in the dirt at the cannery.

Tuesday (day 51)
Packed freezer trucks for work.
Had beers after work and drank bottle of tequila again. I passed out early. _____ pees in the attic of the cannery. We eat a lot, drunk.

Wednesday (day 52)
Packing for work.
Tequila AGAIN!!! i don't remember much...

Thursday (day 53)
No work today. Got our paychecks-- they suck!!!
I got dicked out of most of my pay, and so did ______.
______ and ______ go down to Homer. We drive van to Kenai to get bulk food and Jack Daniels. No water at all for the night.

Friday (day 54)
No water again at all anywhere! Can't shit or shower.
We hitched to the Nightwatch in Soldotna. Saw Kaboom play their set-- made fun of them.
We put pitchers of beer on our tab for the next gig. Changed the big sign in front of the club to "49% WOLF" and "BAKOOM." We hitch home wasted.

Saturday (day 55)
Worked in the morning with ______.
We hitched to Anchorage, which was fucking far. We played pool at Chilkoot's and walked around town drinking 40s. ______ and ______ told some creepy stories.
We're all completely bombed. I puked my guts out, then we ended up with some guys doing coke. We slept in a Wonder Bread truck AGAIN! We tried to warm up at a laundromat and ________ pissed his pants. Finally we go to Denny's and sleep on a lawn in front of the restaurant. The grass was fucking beautiful.

Sunday (day 56)
We wake up in front of Denny's in the grass. We split up somehow-- ______ and I end up walking over to a mall. We found Robber Joe's record store, which is awesome. I bought Mudhoney, a Defunkt CD, and a PE single. _______ bought a record by Can and maybe Big Star.
We hitch home, which is totally beautiful. Also get sore asses from all the walking and steal Prep H from the supermarket in Soldotna. Me and ______ drink a bottle of tequila right by the river behind the Nightwatch, and are totally drunk just in time to load in and play.
I play drums completely shitfaced-- awful.


My Sharona
Tougher Than the Rest

I jumped in the river again naked and lost my fucking wallet with ID, credit card and at least $100. I pass out in the van totally depressed. Feeling out of control.

week nine: the hours finally come through