Too Little, Too Late

So this year's World Series is looking like the lowest TV ratings of all time (Phils-Rays?? No way!!). Point the finger wherever you like, but the reason is as clear as quartz.

Last night's game ended at 1:47 a.m. for chrissakes! I was all ready to watch this one-- LJ's in bed, I only had one beer, took two naps, I'm good to go. Last I remember was 12:55 or so. I staggered out to take a leak at around 4 a.m. and checked ESPN to see what happened. Kinda funny, since ESPN's one of the reasons this shit's happening so much these days.

I can't take it. At this rate, my son has absolutely no chance of becoming a baseball fan, as he'll never get to watch enough games to know. I'm already worried to death that the Yanks' opening day 2009 will get hijacked and set for an 8:05 first pitch. Add in ceremonies and other bullshit, and the game begins at 8:30 if we're lucky. A couple of my drunk friends will be there instead of me, in my seats.

Here we are with two east coast teams, and nobody gets to watch shit. It's hard enough to watch a series as lousy as this one (come on, really!), but when I'm pretty sure I won't even see the 9th inning... no thanks.

MLB's becoming the "G-String Divas" of the sports world. It's only on after the kids go to bed, all the guys have stupid goatees, and everybody's dumb as shit.

Rays-Sox VII pre-game

I saved a draft of an "Open Letter to Joe Maddon" that I thought needed a little tweaking. Upon revisiting, I decided to delete the post for fear of being booted from Blogger. I'll file it with my Allan Holdsworth review and my F train piece.

Am I the only one that finds tonight's game completely absurd? Here we are rooting with all our guts for Matt Garza and the fucking Devil Rays. I mean, what the hell has happened here?! Will I be watching a critical game seven next spring between the OKC Thunder and the Celtics? Has our great nation finally lost its last thread of moral fiber? Am I out of Ambien?

Just had a funny image of the dejected Rays shaving their heads tonight, scattering pathetic little piles of Mohawk hair around the clubhouse.

Joba the Drunk

Way to go, Yankees.

As if destroying a season and possibly a generation of pitching phenoms weren't enough, the Yanks are now concentrating on destroying lives.

Joba Chamberlain was arrested this weekend for drunk driving in Lincoln, Nebraska. Bonus charges of open container and speeding were thrown in as well. Joba is currently "lodged" at the Cornhusker Place Detox.

While dragging Joba through humiliating role reversals, "rules" and pitch counts designed to avoid injury, the Yanks have also fashioned a media and money juggernaut out of the young man. Protect and exploit.

This isn't the first (or last) time we've bowed down before the Janus-head. Just as we've attempted to have rebuilding and championship seasons at the same time, the Yankees want Joba untainted and almighty at once, both virgin and whore.

Now he's just plain drunk. You can't blame him-- what else is there to do out there but drink, drive and get pulled over? Especially when your heads buzzing around like Joba's is.

Better get the kid a good fucking lawyer.

Rays-Sox VI pre-game

Since TBS can't find its ass with a fucking ass-detector, I'll switch topics.

Back in Boston, the Knicks did a nice job putting the Celts to bed. If you think that means anything, you're as delusional as the rest of the team.

If you believe what guys are saying, the Knicks will start their season with seven guys on the court. Eddy Curry is calling himself the starting center, even though he's without a field goal this pre-season and has more fouls than points. Curry has been battling a bacterial infection (rumored to be caused by a botched tattoo) and showed up for training camp so overweight that he exploded an exercise ball with his ass (this is true!).

Marbury claims to be the starting point guard for the Knicks, which has yet to be confirmed by anyone or anything. Allan Houston hasn't even made it through a workout.

Jesus.

Rays-Sox V

I guarantee the Rays lose the series.

Rays-Sox IV mid-game

I might need to clarify a few earlier points:

1. The Rays are getting complacent here. I guarantee they lose the series.

2. I maintain that Boston isn't folding under pressure. They don't seem to be under any pressure at all to do anything.

3. Beckett & Lester are water crackers, indeed.

4. I accidentally streamed the Tampa radio broadcast tonight instead of the RKO. Positively giddy. They alternated between ridiculing smug Boston fans and harassing Kevin Youkilis. I think they were drunk.

Rays-Sox II pregame

I won't be mistaken for Nostradamus anytime soon, but I stand by a few of my comments from yesterday:

1. The Rays are screwed. I guarantee they lose the series.

2. The heat's on Boston, but that doesn't seem to be a problem. And I don't see Tampa getting loosey-goosey with all those damn cowbells in there. I heard conversations across the fucking dome last time I was there, so the cowbells must be at migraine level.

3. The Rays took pitches at first last night, but abandoned ship when things got choppy. Senor Pena?!

4. I don't even think Boston looks that great, honestly. But neither does anyone else. If Beckett & Lester (sounds like a brand of water crackers) even pitch at 75% strength, this scampi's cooked.

Rays-Sox pregame

Who knew we'd be so excited about a Tampa-Boston series? This c__ksucker's been cultivatin' for a while now...

1. As good as they might be, the Rays need to win both games at home. If they don't, I guarantee they lose the series.

2. Shields should come out firing. Get Youkilis and the other meatheads all riled up as soon as possible.

3. Rays need to take pitches. Dice-K's been known to walk a few at the Trop this year (7 in 10 innings).

4. The heat's totally on Boston this time. Ortiz said it himself: "(T)hey have nothing to lose. They don't have any pressure on them. They can go after us because they've already passed what anybody thought of them in the first place. Now, they can do whatever they want. And, they're probably mad at you already? That's the kind of team you don't want to face."

2008 World Series Champs?

The usual funny results for a poll. More than half picked teams eliminated in the first round, and one person switched their pick from Cubs to Rays near the end (infuriating Lou, I'm sure).

More on this later.

2008: The Year That Wasn't

Weird season. Likely that the Yanks and Mets will own the two best records among teams that didn't make the postseason. Gonna be extra quiet on the subways tomorrow morning...

I'm not as giddy about the Mets' demise as I thought I'd be. I guess it makes the Yankee pill a little easier to swallow, but I don't know. The Met season seemed like a wild ride, while ours was more like a road trip where you pull over every 30 minutes for bathroom breaks. We just never got going.

My buddy nailed it, even more than he realized. Only one thing will make this season, the Stadium closure, and all the bullshit tolerable: decent season seats at the new Yankee Stadium.

Yankees 7, Orioles 3

Too much. Way too much.

Sunday night's big finish at Yankee Stadium was completely overwhelming on every possible level. At least five hundred things happened that each merit their own story. I'll try to focus on twenty or so.

Again, a big F-you to ESPN for forcing the game to start well after 8:00 at night. Phil Mushnick got this one right (for a change!) in the Post today-- this was a complete disgrace. No child (and very few adults) could possibly sit through that six hour ordeal and feel good about it. It just plain sucks.

So I got to our seats at exactly 6:50, which was the supposed time of the unveiling of the "Yankee Artifact". That's not entirely true, as I stupidly sat in the wrong seats for about ten minutes. Either way, the Artifact was about fifteen minutes late and a bit boring. They draped an enormous pennant from 1922 over the black bleachers, and then covered it up. Sentinels were posted on either side of the giant pennant, in case a posse of drunken fans tried to steal it or puke on it. No one dared.

John Sterling and Michael Kay reunited to share emcee duties for the opening ceremonies. They were about as happy to see each other as a snake and a mongoose. I won't say they did a bad job, but the event was paced so poorly at one point that Babe Ruth's introduction on the Diamondvision was completely missed by the crowd. The video screen also gave the impression that Joe DiMaggio played for the 1923 Yankees.

The endless catalogueing of Yankee greats created a bizarre game within a game: which players were worthy of standing ovations and which weren't. Almost no one in our section stood the whole time, so we ended up standing up and sitting down over and over and over... at least forty or fifty times. I felt like a Whack-a-Mole.

The game itself was sort of exciting. Pettitte stunk, which was sort of expected. He looked tired as hell. If he was even one-tenth as tired as I was by 8:30, it's a miracle he could even reach home plate.

The far-and-away highlight of the night was served up by our beer guy in section 32. We bought two Coors Lights, and the guy just gave us the cans. He didn't even pour the beers in plastic cups! It was almost like Derek Jeter winking and flipping a ball into our laps-- it felt that special. I can't wait to tell my kids about it when they get a little older.

Things kinda tailed off after our beercan zenith. There was nothing at all to steal, unless you count toilet paper. Jeter's little speech at the end of the game was pretty cool. The whole night was pretty cool, but just way too much to take in at once. And way too long.

Yankees 1, Orioles 0

Last game ever in my beloved season ticket seats. If we ignore an afternoon where my friend and I crawled around the upper deck like oversized arachnids, it's been a remarkably smooth decade in Tier Reserved 6.

I shared the final Yankee Stadium Saturday with my old buddy Gritty. Grit's a veteran of several legendary days and nights on River Avenue (the "Black Suit Sucks" night, the "Sleeper" night, Piazza Beaning #1, as well as a bizarre bleachers excursion on opium)-- we settled in without a hitch.

Of course, the Yankees hired/asked no one to sing anything. How do they manage to screw that up every time? This is New York City!

We couldn't hit to save our lives all day. As one of our section-mates said, "This is a microcosm of our season." I was tempted to push the "every game is a microcosm of each of our lives" thing, but I held back. I just burped instead.

Hundreds of cops swarmed around the Stadium like giant ants. I might need to reconsider my "souvenir" approach for tomorrow night-- maybe stealing a urinal flush mechanism isn't the best idea. I'll be happy to make it home with my wallet and apartment keys.

Either I'm nuts or 75% of Billy's across from the Stadium is now an Apple Bank branch. They replaced a bar with a bank? What's the point?

Tomorrow night better be good. I want Bernie jamming with the surviving members of the Dave Matthews Band, Giambi arm-wrestling Kevin Millar, free beer, and George Steinbrenner descending onto the field via hovercraft. I also want to be home by midnight.

Rays 7, Yankees 1

Took the family unit up to the Bronx for some Saturday baseball. I had a funny feeling it might not be the smoothest outing as we huffed and puffed up 116th St. It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Lee Jr. received a nifty Yankee Student Planner as we entered the Stadium-- one of the nicer promotional items I've seen. I'm certain that any adult would cherish a gift as nice as this.

This game was the Bizarro World version of the last game I took LJ to. Moose pitched both times we went, but bequeathed a 5-0 deficit upon his team today instead of a 5-0 lead. Jr. was totally mellow last time; today he spanned the behavior continuum from peppy to cranky in a few innings. We bailed out near the top of the fifth, making a pitstop at the kid-friendly Sidewalk Cafe.

Today was a little taste of what it's like to be a fan of a really mediocre team. It almost felt like a Knicks game: lots of side conversations, people leaving early in droves, players chucking the ball everywhere but where they're supposed to... kind of depressing. I didn't even have the heart to argue when the Mizz wanted to leave a bit early. I pretty much agreed with her.

PavanoWatch VIII

Maybe Carl "Cookie Puss" Pavano's running out of tricks...

He was a lot closer to his wild side tonight, walking two and beaning one in 4+ innings. Hughes is earning good grades lately, so maybe they roll the dice with Phil? If the Sox keep winning, don't look for lots of innings from any of the crown jewels.

I'm loving Phil Coke. Can I get a jersey? I think he has Farnsie's old number.

Blue Jays 7, Yankees 6

Charles Simone and I agreed-- it looked like we were gonna win this game.

The bullpen stunk (although Bruney's still OK by me), and A-Rod left more guys on base than an army troop transport helicopter.

I guess we just don't win games easily any more. Or, we just don't win games often.

A few good trivia questions were thrown about, including this one:

Several drummers have appeared on album releases by Genesis throughout the years. Name three different non-Genesis releases from 1976 by three different artists featuring three different Genesis drummers.

PavanoWatch VII

"P with a capital P-- and don't ever in your life try to rock with me..."

Yes, I'll be wearing my #45 jersey with a certain pride, nay, swagger tomorrow at the Stadium. Maybe somebody'll even buy me a beer. The bastard's 2-0!!!

The Mz. posed an interesting one tonight: is this Derek Jeter's worst offensive season ever?

The Post reported that the Yanks put Pavano on waivers. What???!!!!! I'm cancelling my season tickets.

Hate-Rod

Why are Yankee fans so completely flabbergasted with A-Rod?! You mean, he actually sucked when the pressure was on?! You're kidding!!!

I've heard several people say things like, "Once we get rid of A-Rod, we'll start winning again..." or "Things really went downhill once we got him..." Gimme a break!

Put the money aside for a minute. Yeah, I know it's a lot of money! If you can't do that, you don't understand the Yankees at all. If you can't do that, go root for the fucking Marlins.

I honestly don't know why he chokes like he does. But who, exactly, are these other third basemen that are so much better than A-Rod? Chipper? D. Wright? You really want those guys?!!

If you're looking to take this miserable season out on someone, don't pick A-Rod because he makes a fortune and isn't worth every penny... that's fucking stupid and un-American. Pick someone that makes a fortune and COMPLETELY sucks.

PavanoWatch VI

This is getting ridiculous-- a MazzolaWatch would probably be in order at this point.

Anyway, Carl won. Let's hope it's not the last time. This has taken me at least 25 minutes to type...

PavanoWatch V

It's official-- Carl Pavano is scheduled to pitch against the Orioles this Saturday.

Carl was chosen over several other rare- and ne'er-do-wells: Phil Hughes (flu), Kei Igawa (sucks), Eric Milton (still rehabbing), and Victor Zambrano (still rehabbing and sucks).

He'll have his work cut out for him. In addition to making it to the park, warming up, and navigating his way to the mound, Pavano will be facing the O's Jeremy Guthrie, who's only allowed 8 runs in his last six starts.

PavanoWatch IV

The Yankees web site says it brilliantly: Yanks will bring someone up Saturday.

We all figured Hughes would get the nod over ol' Carl, but Phil's rough start yesterday cast a bit of doubt (3.2 IP, 5 R, 8 H). Pavano, on the other hand, had a nice 6-inning 1-run effort of his own.

So who's it gonna be? I think they'll be anxious to settle this Pavano thing once and for all-- if he stinks up Camden Yards, it might provide some closure to the strange saga. If he does OK, then he does OK.

career Yankee numbers for Hughes: 5-7, 94.2 IP, 5.51 ERA
career Yankee numbers for Pavano: 5-6, 111.1 IP, 4.77 ERA

I won't delve into their salaries.