Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Biathlon: Women's Pursuit

Girls with guns.
Just took a late night Ambien and turned on the O-Limpics. Immediately I watched a German speed skater disqualified for two false starts. She trains for years and doesn't even get to skate. Sucks to be an O-limpian. 

I was hoping to catch something called the Biathlon Women's Pursuit tonight. That's really what it's called! Sounds like me for the two years following my divorce, except I never had skis or a gun. 

Biathlon just came on! Whoa, she just whipped a rifle off her back and started firing. Now there's at least fifteen women in spandex on skis lined up firing guns. I guess the "pursuit" is when they're all chasing after the one in front in the green tights? This is a bit nuts. 

It's a hectic scene. Why are they holding this event at night? No, I know it's not one am in Russia right now but it's actually dark where they are. Or this taped from nine hours ago?? They're all absolutely exhausted and lurching around on their skis with rifles on their backs. Looks like the green one from Belarus won, although right now she's curled up in a fetal position in the snow.

Apparently this race/hunt was 10K long. I've run my share of 10Ks and there's no way I could have stopped right in the middle and fired with any accuracy at a target. However I did once projectile vomit all over a race volunteer at the finish line. 

I witnessed history twice today. This afternoon I proudly announced, "Kids, we're going to watch the Olympics." As an image of women with brooms crouching on the ice materialized on the screen, I proudly announced "Kids, this is curling." Hey, it's the USA team! Unfortunately we were getting our pots clocked by the Brits. My entire family watched our national curlers give up seven points in a single end, which is kind of like allowing 25 runs in an inning. I screamed for mercy as my terrified children shuffled Legos around on the floor. 

Redemption arrived later when Erin Hamlin won the first ever US medal of any kind in any singles luge event. It was just a bronze, but she clearly had no chance against the Teutonic duo of Natalie Geisenberger and Tatjana H├╝fner, luge's version of McGwire and Canseco. Let's hope it's not another 50 years before our men get something. 

They're back to speed skating again. This Zhang Hong has something going on. She races like a crazy red spider on the ice, then rips off her cap at the finish to reveal a strangely alluring face. I guess the cap wasn't covering her face, so maybe it's alluring hair she possesses. Is that even her name? My google search brought me a third century Han Dynasty warlord. I think it's time for bbed.