Ladies Figure Skating

Home cookin's a B...

This is no way to live. I can't go on Twitter anymore, I haven't dared to open my New York Times app for almost two weeks, and I threw a perfectly good microwave dinner in the garbage today. Who am I??!!!!!

Oh well. Given that you've probably already watched it and know exactly what happened, here's my coverage of the end of the last round of Ladies Figure Skating, which I won't publish until tomorrow. 

The personal tidbits supplied by the commentators sound like little cards filled out by the skaters while they wait their turn: "Adelina's favorite drink is orange juice, and she liked the first Hunger Games movie."

Whoops, Polina Edmunds just took a dump right on her can (that's skatingspeak for "she fell down"). See you in four years, toots.

Oh boy, Yulia's skating to "Schindler's List" again. Maybe she's just a huge Liam Neeson fan, in which case I'd suggest "Darkman Returns (Theme)" or the music from the closing credits of Taken. She fell twice, so she's definitely out. 

Carolina Kostner did a great job, despite her awful choice of music. Did she rip the score from Mothra right off of YouTube? She didn't fall, which puts her in first place by default. 

Next up is Adelina Sotnikova. At least she looks like she's having fun and kinda doesn't give a shit! Jeez now she's crying out on the ice... No, she's in first!

I hate this McDonalds commercial where they're biting their gold medals and then they're just biting their McNuggets. Maybe I'll unmute it next time so I can understand it. 

Here come the heavy hitters. Gracie Gold is my favorite American skater. It worries me that she's been skating around in circles for at least a minute without a single jump. Here she goes... BOOM right on her ass. Not so good. 

Anyone else want to see them bring back the compulsory figures? You know, when the skaters had to skate perfect figure eights for like thirty minutes, after which a team of scientists measured and graded their etched designs? Could be cool in HD!

Okay, here's the top dog: Yuna Kim. I watched her the other day and she was absolutely perfect. So far so good... Yep, another Wu Banga for Yuna. She's gotta win. 

Whoa, the second Russian won. I can't tell if Yuna Kim is crying or blowing her nose. Either way, she was robbed.