Sunday, October 26, 2008

Too Little, Too Late

So this year's World Series is looking like the lowest TV ratings of all time (Phils-Rays?? No way!!). Point the finger wherever you like, but the reason is as clear as quartz.

Last night's game ended at 1:47 a.m. for chrissakes! I was all ready to watch this one-- LJ's in bed, I only had one beer, took two naps, I'm good to go. Last I remember was 12:55 or so. I staggered out to take a leak at around 4 a.m. and checked ESPN to see what happened. Kinda funny, since ESPN's one of the reasons this shit's happening so much these days.

I can't take it. At this rate, my son has absolutely no chance of becoming a baseball fan, as he'll never get to watch enough games to know. I'm already worried to death that the Yanks' opening day 2009 will get hijacked and set for an 8:05 first pitch. Add in ceremonies and other bullshit, and the game begins at 8:30 if we're lucky. A couple of my drunk friends will be there instead of me, in my seats.

Here we are with two east coast teams, and nobody gets to watch shit. It's hard enough to watch a series as lousy as this one (come on, really!), but when I'm pretty sure I won't even see the 9th inning... no thanks.

MLB's becoming the "G-String Divas" of the sports world. It's only on after the kids go to bed, all the guys have stupid goatees, and everybody's dumb as shit.

Friday, October 24, 2008


This has been a weird, weird, weird couple of days in the news.

A woman in Pittsburgh told police she was attacked and had a "B" carved into her face because she was a McCain supporter and volunteer campaigner. She alleged that the attackers were "teaching her a lesson" by etching the Barack initial into her cheek. Too bad the B is sort of, um, backwards-- as if it were self-inflicted in front of a mirror. The woman confessed to the hoax soon after the story went public, but not before both John McCain and Sarah Palin embarassingly made la charlatane their new "Joe the Plumber".

Ash the Slash was trumped by the "Man in Leno suit commits suicide" story, which conjured up the vision of a guy in a Halloween rubber Leno mask and suit blowing his brains out. I had nightmares for hours last night (also due to the weird Toyota "Saved By Zero" commercial).

But none can touch today's Isiah Thomas saga. Stories varied wildly about a 47 year-old man being picked up from Isiah's home for an apparent drug overdose this morning. Isiah spoke to reporters today and tried to pawn the incident off on his teenage daughter, saying she's "very down right now" but denied any overdose taking place. Then the 47 year-old Thomas added, "None of us are OK." Huh?

No two reports were the same on the fiasco all evening. Culprits ranged from Isiah's daughter to his son to Isiah himself-- one source simply ran the headline Isiah Thomas Dies!

Looks like Zeke took ten Lunestas late last night and passed out. Guess you can't really blame the guy, right? The medical report also rules out Eddy Curry as the victim, as EC's mass index would require a minimum of 75 Lunestas to even put a dent in his pulse.

Couple things are fer sure here:

1. If Isiah had taken ten Ambiens, he might have avoided this ugly mess. Instead of being hospitalized, he just would've woken up on the floor in the middle of an oversized chess match with an imaginary opponent in his trophy room.

2. This explains a lot about last season, like the time Isiah called a timeout with ten seconds left (down by two) and called a non-shooting play. I'm serious.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Rays-Sox VII pre-game

I saved a draft of an "Open Letter to Joe Maddon" that I thought needed a little tweaking. Upon revisiting, I decided to delete the post for fear of being booted from Blogger. I'll file it with my Allan Holdsworth review and my F train piece.

Am I the only one that finds tonight's game completely absurd? Here we are rooting with all our guts for Matt Garza and the fucking Devil Rays. I mean, what the hell has happened here?! Will I be watching a critical game seven next spring between the OKC Thunder and the Celtics? Has our great nation finally lost its last thread of moral fiber? Am I out of Ambien?

Just had a funny image of the dejected Rays shaving their heads tonight, scattering pathetic little piles of Mohawk hair around the clubhouse.

Joba the Drunk

Way to go, Yankees.

As if destroying a season and possibly a generation of pitching phenoms weren't enough, the Yanks are now concentrating on destroying lives.

Joba Chamberlain was arrested this weekend for drunk driving in Lincoln, Nebraska. Bonus charges of open container and speeding were thrown in as well. Joba is currently "lodged" at the Cornhusker Place Detox.

While dragging Joba through humiliating role reversals, "rules" and pitch counts designed to avoid injury, the Yanks have also fashioned a media and money juggernaut out of the young man. Protect and exploit.

This isn't the first (or last) time we've bowed down before the Janus-head. Just as we've attempted to have rebuilding and championship seasons at the same time, the Yankees want Joba untainted and almighty at once, both virgin and whore.

Now he's just plain drunk. You can't blame him-- what else is there to do out there but drink, drive and get pulled over? Especially when your heads buzzing around like Joba's is.

Better get the kid a good fucking lawyer.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Rays-Sox VI pre-game

Since TBS can't find its ass with a fucking ass-detector, I'll switch topics.

Back in Boston, the Knicks did a nice job putting the Celts to bed. If you think that means anything, you're as delusional as the rest of the team.

If you believe what guys are saying, the Knicks will start their season with seven guys on the court. Eddy Curry is calling himself the starting center, even though he's without a field goal this pre-season and has more fouls than points. Curry has been battling a bacterial infection (rumored to be caused by a botched tattoo) and showed up for training camp so overweight that he exploded an exercise ball with his ass (this is true!).

Marbury claims to be the starting point guard for the Knicks, which has yet to be confirmed by anyone or anything. Allan Houston hasn't even made it through a workout.


Best Neil Young Chanteuse

This was a bit ridiculous. I have a vague (very vague) recollection of a drunk argument with someone about this... what could they possibly have argued against Linda?

Anyway, Ronstadt wins by a landslide. My favorites:

LR: "The Ways of Love" (1989)
EH: "Star of Bethlehem" (1977)
NL: "Sail Away" (1979)

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Rays-Sox V

I guarantee the Rays lose the series.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Rays-Sox IV mid-game

I might need to clarify a few earlier points:

1. The Rays are getting complacent here. I guarantee they lose the series.

2. I maintain that Boston isn't folding under pressure. They don't seem to be under any pressure at all to do anything.

3. Beckett & Lester are water crackers, indeed.

4. I accidentally streamed the Tampa radio broadcast tonight instead of the RKO. Positively giddy. They alternated between ridiculing smug Boston fans and harassing Kevin Youkilis. I think they were drunk.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Rays-Sox II pregame

I won't be mistaken for Nostradamus anytime soon, but I stand by a few of my comments from yesterday:

1. The Rays are screwed. I guarantee they lose the series.

2. The heat's on Boston, but that doesn't seem to be a problem. And I don't see Tampa getting loosey-goosey with all those damn cowbells in there. I heard conversations across the fucking dome last time I was there, so the cowbells must be at migraine level.

3. The Rays took pitches at first last night, but abandoned ship when things got choppy. Senor Pena?!

4. I don't even think Boston looks that great, honestly. But neither does anyone else. If Beckett & Lester (sounds like a brand of water crackers) even pitch at 75% strength, this scampi's cooked.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Rays-Sox pregame

Who knew we'd be so excited about a Tampa-Boston series? This c__ksucker's been cultivatin' for a while now...

1. As good as they might be, the Rays need to win both games at home. If they don't, I guarantee they lose the series.

2. Shields should come out firing. Get Youkilis and the other meatheads all riled up as soon as possible.

3. Rays need to take pitches. Dice-K's been known to walk a few at the Trop this year (7 in 10 innings).

4. The heat's totally on Boston this time. Ortiz said it himself: "(T)hey have nothing to lose. They don't have any pressure on them. They can go after us because they've already passed what anybody thought of them in the first place. Now, they can do whatever they want. And, they're probably mad at you already? That's the kind of team you don't want to face."

Thursday, October 9, 2008

2008 World Series Champs?

The usual funny results for a poll. More than half picked teams eliminated in the first round, and one person switched their pick from Cubs to Rays near the end (infuriating Lou, I'm sure).

More on this later.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Presidential Debate 2008 II

Damn, I missed the first five minutes changing the damn cat litter. Has anyone ever developed "graylung" from inhaling litter smoke?

Sounds like all I missed was Obama telling us we're losing our pensions. Shit!

McCain looks like shit. He even bungled his pet line, "...countries that don't like us very much." Might be the most pathetic line in his arsenal-- sounds like Mr. Rogers.

My buddy Heath predicted the "bait and switch" GOP tactic long ago. Get McCain elected, watch him die, and Palin slips in the back door. We were thinking more along the lines of Newt Gingrich when we discussed it almost a year ago, but...

Wow, Barack looks great against that red floor backdrop. I love it when Biden calls him "Barack"... such a cool sounding name.

McCain can't stand up during his breaks without leaning on the chair in the back. Then again neither can I, but I'm not running for President, am I?

Did you hear that some chick was arrested for stalking Luke Walton? That's one of the weirdest things I've heard in a long time.

McCain: I'm a reformer, "reaching across the aisle", reform, reform, bipartisan, I fought this, I fought that, , drilling, I can fix this, blah, blah blah...

What if McCain falls down? Pulls a Miss America. He just exceeded his one minute limit again, which was a rule that the candidates themselves established. Keep it real, Brokaw!

Obama's going over too! Tom needs a buzzer, gong, hook, something! The candidates established the rules themselves!!!

This isn't anywhere near as fun as Biden-Palin. McCain's trying to attack Barack in his hackneyed style, but falling flat. Barack doesn't seem to be attacking at all. Goddamn hippie!

Tom's just plain pissed now. These guys have about as much regard for time restraints as a being from the fifth dimension. Brokaw just served up a facial on Barack. He should've done a Mutumbo finger-wave.

Barack's distancing himself even further from the average American-- he's speaking too clearly and sensibly about issues that really matter. Joe Six-Pack's gonna hate that kind of "smart guy" talk. He just spelled out a detailed tax plan, complete with numbers and everything. Joe Six is really gonna hate that.

McCain's really hanging in there. Scratch that-- he just marveled at battery powered cars as if he were talking about personal hovercraft machines.

McCain looks like Pauly from Darkman. He's one of the many in the film whose face-mask melts while worn by Darkman himself, and is subsequently discarded onto the pavement.
Barack's on the attack now. I only attack when I have been attacked!

Amurrica, my friends. Amurrica. I'm going to bed.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

2008 Vice Presidential Debate

Totally weird already. C-SPAN's coverage is badly out of sync for the first 2 minutes of the moderator's introductory remarks, reminiscent of Ian Holm in Naked Lunch. Hopefully Sarah Palin remembered her bug powder.

Palin's hair looks like a fake pineapple.

She just winked. Totally inappropriate.

Who the hell is "Joe Six-Pack"? Does he know "Tommy 12-Gauge"?

This is starting to remind me of the scene in Husbands and Wives when Sydney Pollack's aerobics instructor girlfriend starts blabbing about "crystals and tofu" at a cocktail party.

I think she just dropped her index cards. She looks like she's mentally running through her memorization tricks-- "Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally... Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally..."

Has Sarah Palin ever been to Wall Street? The World of Money at Epcot doesn't count-- although I'm not sure she's been there either.

She seriously can't pronounce the words "tax" and "taxes".

Wow, they sure rushed through the gay marriage portion of the program. At least we learned that Palin has very diverse friends that don't always agree with her.

OK, Biden's gotta shift into high gear right away. Ask her to spell "CONSTITUTION" or something.

Palin's smart to call out Biden on his former quotes on Obama and McCain, since no quotes exist by Palin about politics of any kind before August of 2008.

I like C-SPAN's split-screen approach. We get to watch Biden smirking and Palin staring at her notes.

YES!!! She said NUKE-u-lar!!! AWESOME!!!

So far, Palin gets the report card comment "Works to best of ability".

I'm starting to think Palin recorded the automated touch-tone prompts for my health insurance company. For prescriptions, press one... for billing, press two...

YES!!! She said NUKE-u-lar again!!! She may have even explained quantum mechanics somewhere in there too!

Man, I used to love Alaska. Fuckit, I'm watching baseball...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Pass the Scalpel

The Yanks are six feet under, the Giants are 3-0... how about our New York Knicks?
I've been so caught up in Thunder fever that I've barely followed the Knicks' doings (I'm still so pissed that I never found an OKC Hornets shirt, even though I looked in Oklahoma City for it!!! Two different times!!!). Clearly the team would continue the post-Isiah restructuring efforts they began off-season, right?

Rebuilding the Knicks will be about as easy as rebuilding Iraq. Curry and Randolph will reprise their post-9/11 "Twin Towers" tragedy, Marbury is still sulking around in his cheap sneakers, and we have another lame-duck top draft pick.

OK, the Knicks successfully removed the cancerous Isiah Thomas from the organization (as well as a cancerous chunk from Donnie Walsh's tobacco-sogged tongue!). They finally got rid of Renaldo Balkman. They brought Mike D'Antoni aboard in a nice move, but what else?!

Unless you count Allan Houston, we don't exactly have a "new-look Knicks" kind of situation here. When Walsh was directly asked what he'd accomplished so far for the team, he replied, "Um, I haven't accomplished anything." At least that's what it sounded like he said.

The Knicks went 2-8 in their first ten regular season games last year. If the Knicks go 5-5 (or better) to open this season, I'll perform a "TBA" drinking feat to show my commitment to my team. I'll give you four choices on my blog poll when we get a little closer.