Sunday, January 31, 2010

Karaoke 201

Last night's karaoke in Chelsea got me thinking about some more tech jargon for the casual singers out there (previously discussed here):

Broadway Joe (or Jane) - You get lots of theater rejects here in Manhattan, and they love "slumming" at karaoke bars. These types must be ridiculed and heckled mercilessly. We had some fruitcake last night singing "Lion Sleeps Tonight" complete with vocal acrobatics and an insipid, condescending smile aimed at everyone present. Not to be confused with a Ringer, a genuine talent revered and respected by all.

Good Mic/Bad Mic - Lots of places have two microphones, and one of 'em usually sucks compared to the other (too quiet, muffled, weird reverb, etc.). Best to keep an eagle eye locked on the good one to avoid shell game panic right before your song comes up.

The Mulligan - We had a few of these last night... you command the KJ to restart the track due to technical/sound difficulties or absenteeism (out for smoke, pissing, etc.). Crews are surprisingly cooperative with this.

K-Hole - Slang for a private booth, which are generally dark, stuffy, and smell like beer/vomit. Spending a few hours in a booth with less than ten people is a surefire way to induce severe depression or psychosis, especially if no women are present.

The One-Up - A nasty move where you sing another song by the same artist that someone else just sang, and you blow 'em out of the water. Nastier still is The Robbery, where you zip a song in to the KJ (avec $) before your nemesis (or friend) even finishes filling out their slip.

The Glaze - The surreal stare of the crowd up at the TV screen with the lyrics and video. Even weirder when someone mouths the words while someone else sings.

Bad Book - A songlist binder not sorted alphabetically by artist or song-- virtually impossible to find anything except songs by Justin Timberlake and John Mayer.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

a bad day gets worse

Celebrity Rehab - funniest line of the month so far:

"Oh my God..." - Tom Sizemore after encountering Heidi Fleiss in rehab

possible runner-up:

"There he goes..." - Dennis Rodman watching Tom Sizemore walk out of rehab

Friday, January 8, 2010

Random Daddy Bullshit

Stuff I was thinking about tonight:

Is it common for a dad to obsessively eat his child's food while feeding him/her? I do this all the time. I did a search and found "Stalingrad Syndrome," but I think that's more about actual starvation. I mean, I'm really hungry when I feed Jr. his dinner... my job happens to be such that I don't have a spare moment to blow my damn nose, let alone sit down and eat a half-decent lunch.

I can't stop eating his macaroni & cheese, for instance. I regularly threaten him when he loses focus during a meal, "Hey, I'll eat this if you don't! I really will!" and then follow through and eat the rest of his bowl. I also eat his yogurt, cheese bread, and apples before he has a chance to finish. I'm of the belief that you shouldn't feed your child anything you wouldn't eat yourself (that goes for jars of baby food and other potentially nasty shit).

The boy's been on a hot streak with his after-dinner bath for a few months now-- lots of fun. He got these "bath drums" for his birthday (or Xmas?) that kinda rule. They make a wonderfully soothing sound, almost African... they remind me of Bill Bruford's Discipline-era log drum, quite frankly.

Anyway, I had a pretty dope "Biko"-style beat going tonight that had Jr. splishin' and a splashin'. One thing led to another, and I had a nearly perfect mimic of BB's "Sheltering Sky" lick going right there in the tub. Sounded freaking amazing, if I do say so myself. I almost segued into "Discipline" and started daydreaming about getting some guitar licks going when I noticed Jr. had the nozzle of his baby soap dispenser up his nose and was about to squirt gel into his brain. I made a mental note to look up the "Li'l Chapman Stick" on Amazon after bedtime.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Alaska Diaries, week 9

Pukers Die!!! The Alaska Diaries [names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent]

WEEK NINE: Workin' for a livin'

Monday (day 57)
_____ & I drove up to Kenai to get van fixed at Dodge "hospital" (dealer/licensed service station). The place is amazing! Car sounds a lot better.

We work in the afternoon. Play our Nightwatch gig afterwards.

Stone Free
Femme Fatale

Swimming naked in river again. Stole lots of stuff from club.
Changed sign out front to "SHITCORNS" and "BAKOMO". _______ pukes. Crazy night-- we stole a bunch of shotglasses and threw them around the van on the way back from the club.

Tuesday (day 58)
We start working at 3pm (still hungover) and finish our shift at 8am the next morning. Long time.

The Japanese cannery guys were doing calisthenics and playing dodgeball in the morning out in the parking lot. One guy had a stopwatch. "Fuckin' A"...

Wednesday (day 59)
Thursday (day 60)
Friday (day 61)
Saturday (day 62)
Sunday (day 63)
Worked double shifts every day except one single shift day. Got too stoned one of the days and drove the fork lift into the back of the freezer truck, forks up. Also worked in the freezer room in shorts. The regular freezer room guys were taking acid in there sometimes.

Looks like we're leaving tomorrow. ______ has to be back in NY in ten days to fly to South Africa. We're driving the equipment back ourselves-- no one else wants to go back in the van. Two of us the whole way...

week ten: the long way home



Monday, January 4, 2010

Manic Mondayz on A&E!!!

Gearing up for the biggest one-two punch in TV since the Beverly-Melrose heyday... the sometimes unbearable, occasionally hilarious, always exhausting combo of Intervention followed by Hoarders.

This 9pm to 11pm double-dose of dysfunctionality is the reality TV equivalent of watching Raging Bull and The Deer Hunter every fucking Monday night, assuming that each film were edited down to one hour in length apiece. Add the fact that A&E (sadistic bastards!) throws in a bonus episode of IV right before the 9:00 new one and spins a bonus Hoarders at 11pm, and we're talking about watching Raging Bull twice in a row followed by The Deer Hunter twice in a row (hour-long edited versions) for a total of four agonizing hours. I'm pretty sure we've never seen anything this grueling in the history of prime time television, unless you count last season's Met games on SNY.

This week's new Intervention features Sarah, an OxyContin addict who manages a massage parlor in Florida. She jerks off clients to pay for her habit, and supposedly took 8 hits of acid at once as a high school freshman! Sounds like a job for Jeff VanVonderen, the Albert Pujols of interventionists. Jeff always gets 'em off to rehab safely, and generally keeps 'em clean for good. Like they say about climbing Everest... it's not getting to the top, it's getting your ass back down alive.

Tonight's Hoarders also sounds like standard terrifying fare: Deborah's obsessive hoarding is driving her alcoholic husband to drink even more, and Jim the beekeeper has a shithole for a hive. More on this another time.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Natasha? Natissa? Natette?

As I started the first of eleven loads of laundry for the evening, I said to myself, "I think I'll watch the Knick game tonight." I actually said it out loud in the building laundry room!

I've been a bad fan lately. Knicks are actually winning games lately (putting their humiliating loss to the Nets aside), and they're doing it without any Nate Robinson at all. Almost starting to feel like a Marbury kinda thing... Nate hasn't played since December 1st!

I had the game on for about the first 3 minutes of the 1st quarter, and I started wandering. Say what?! Lockup marathon on MSNBC?! "Extended Stay: There Goes the Neighborhood" followed by "Tennessee Women's Prison"?! Maybe I'll just keep tabs on Knicks-Hawks every few minutes or so...

I finally came to my senses after a couple of hours, and stumbled back to MSG to find that Nate was not only playing, but was on fucking FIRE!!! Seriously, he scored every god damn time he took the ball down the court.

I sat there for a while with my jaw in my lap, folding Jr's shirts and (the future) Lil' Mz's onesies like an inmate on Thorazine. The game went into overtime with Nate still sinking everything he put up (except free throws, of course). Forty-one points????!!!! Off the bench????!!!! What the hell is going on???!!! How many "question mark/exclamation point" tandems can I possibly squeeze into a single paragraph???!!! Are we really having another kid in five weeks???!!! Is there a girl version of the name "Nate"???!!!