Yankees 9, Mariners 5

Sorry for the extended absence. I've been so busy stockpiling prescription drugs in preparation for my "Eddie Van Halen vs. Allan Holdsworth" piece that I just haven't had the time to write.

I attended Saturday's contest against Seattle with noted polymath and beer snob enthusiast Charles Simone. Lee Jr. gets along real well with pretty much all of my friends, but the kid seems to have a special bond with Chuck. Probably due to CS's clutch babysitting performance last summer while Mz whisked me across town to get my bladder drained, but who's keeping track?

We got to the game just on time, and realized that this might be our tenth year going to Yankee games together. Both being suckers for tradition, we indulged in our usual fare: drinking, gambling, and trivia.

I immediately presented Charles with a choice that would govern our beer consumption for the afternoon. We would either
1) drink a beer every time the lead changed (including the first run of the game, but excluding ties), or
2) be required to preface any beer order made with the word fucking, i.e. "I'll have two fucking Guinnesses, please."

Charles wisely chose #1. We also made our picks for the "dollar game"-- a simple system of bonuses and penalties based on hitting performances by several players of our choice. Within minutes we were frantically exchanging singles and ordering drinks with Javy serving up deep dongs to Ichiro and Russell Branyan, whom Chuck had on his dollar payroll. Like the morning after an ill-advised hookup, things were looking ugly real fast.

Turned out to be a false alarm, as we virtually broke even on our wagering, the Yanks came back in spades, and we were restricted to only two beers for the afternoon. Kept in check by circumstance, we resorted to a Bacchanalian festival of baseball and music trivia.

Chuck struck first by requesting the only active pitchers residing within the top 100 of all time in career strikeouts. I made it with a few nice hints, but wilted under CS's tough follow-up (active sac bunt career leaders), even with a few nice hints.

I was dreadfully underprepared in the trivia department, but I managed to slap together a couple of nifty "discussion" pieces. Me and my pals have gotten lots of mileage out of these before (bands named after non-vocalists, "classic" bands with more crappy releases than good ones, etc.), sometimes for weeks on end. We began with one that seems idiotic at first: the eight best metal bands of all time.

Maybe we should have anticipated that the toughest part would be defining "metal bands." Or, distinguishing metal from "hard rock." I honestly can't remember what Charles and I actually settled on that day, but here's how it looks after a few tweaks:

1. Black Sabbath
2. Metallica
3. Led Zeppelin
4. AC/DC
5. Iron Maiden
6. Slayer
7. Judas Priest
8. **Motorhead

**The original list had Nirvana on it, which was ruled inadmissible via the very argument I presented in defense of Kurt Cobain. CS would've liked to see Kiss, Motley Crue or possibly Van Halen in the 8-spot, while I was exploring absurd alternatives like Def Leppard or Cream.

Neither of us were comfortable with the inclusion of Zeppelin or AC/DC, but can you really turn your back on "Black Dog" or "Hells Bells"? Honestly, we just couldn't come up with anything better.

I later consulted one of the only people on the planet I'd actually listen to on this one (along with Pete C in AZ, my kids' babysitter, and a guy named Al I went to high school with)-- my buddy Grit. I hope he doesn't mind me printing his excellent choices:

1. Black Sabbath
2. Metallica
3. Kyuss
4. Iron Maiden
5. Motorhead
6. Judas Priest
7. Slayer
8. Anthrax/S.O.D.

We also debated songs whose live version is better known than the studio version but I really don't want to get into this one right now. I'm going to bed.

Exercising While Intoxicated

Readers send me links, pictures, stories etc. all the time-- there's no way I could possibly get to all of them. Here's a nice one courtesy of one Señor Pants, along with some thoughts by yours truly.

The piece I'm talking about is from a fun new blog about drinking. Specifically, competitive drinking. The author performs a feat of epic proportions that you'll just have to read about yourself.

Here are some kinda relevant drinking feats of my own (or at least ones I've heard about):

1. The 100 Club - I'm not a member, and I've never even tried it. The idea is to drink 100 beers in a weekend, 72 hours worth (varying accounts might have you believe 5pm Thursday to midnight Sunday, but I think 72 hours is fair).

The regulations for this exclusive club are a little unclear in other areas as well. Are you allowed to puke? One friend of mine insisted, "NO WAY." Of course normal bathroom visits should be allowed, but what about secret vomits? We initially agreed that one plastic garbage can (we lived in a dorm!) in the middle of the room was fair for all functions including hurls, and then thought maybe we should be able to #2 on our own. I don't see how you could police the throw-up rule without major problems. Oh, and no drugs allowed.

God knows we talked about this one enough back in college. Of course, we over-analyzed this one to death, and came up with several approaches. I was always a "boot-and-rally" theorist-- drink until you puke or pass out, someone wakes you up, repeat, etc. Trying to plan it out seemed ludicrous. My friend claimed he had a "pacing plan" that should work, but it was never taken seriously by anyone. Wouldn't the 100 club have to be boot-and-rally, no matter what?

Didn't matter, 'cause it never happened. Our bickering about the rules slowly gave way to reasons why there was no possible way we could do it, except our reasons never included our drinking abilities. First it was financial... "There's no way we can possibly afford to buy 300 or 400 beers at one time!" That was sort of true, but not really. Then it became, "There's no way we have time to do this! When can we find 72 hours in a row with nothing to do except drink?!" This was outrageously false. We were able to find hundreds, maybe thousands of consecutive hours to do nothing but drink on a regular basis, but on no occasion were 100 beers consumed by one person during a 72-hour interval within said benders.

Finally, we settled for "I'll bet you so-and-so could do it." Arguing about who could or couldn't do it was as close as we ever got.

2. I lost a Monday Night Football bet once and had to drink two 64 oz. Colts in 20 minutes. I lost another bet around the same time and had to drink a warm six-pack of something nasty in some short amount of time, which didn't go well at all. People stopped making "the loser has to drink..." kinds of bets with me a while ago, and not because I'm such a prolific drinker.

3. This isn't really the same as what dj tennessee did, but I once sprinted about 20 blocks down Lenox Ave drunk on at least 13 beers in the middle of the night. The Miracle Mile, as I called it the next afternoon.

Friends don't let friends sing sober

Been jonesin' for karaoke lately, or so I've been saying. What does this actually mean? That I simply haven't been in a while, or that I recently discovered a great song I'd like to sing? It means nothing.
Wong made it up to my place in time to see both kids put to bed. We hit the streets at around 9:00, and headed straight for the Korean joint on 32nd St., which is apparently called "Chorus Music Studio." I'm still not entirely sure where it is, even though I've been there at least fifteen times.

Wong's a karaoke purist at heart, but always willing to slum it at second-rate K-joints for the sake of the song. This place is totally weird: complementary cheese balls, a communal sink, and a framed Before and After Science out in the hallway. One has the absolutely same experience every time one goes here, whether one knows it or not.

I showed up armed with several aces up my sleeve, including "Here Comes the Rain Again," "Cocaine," and "Money for Nothing," none of which were available to perform. I threw down a tenner for 6 bullshit K-tickets and started the utterly pathetic charade of looking for songs in the binder. Like the addict ransacking his dresser drawers for that miracle stash, this search is invariably fruitless. I settled on "Nights in White Satin" and a Springsteen and bought myself a Diet Coke.

We submitted at around 10:00, and were still twiddling our pickles at 11:30pm. To make matters worse, the same five or six lame-o's were prancing around singing about 85% of the night's material. I asked the KJ/barwench about where we were on the evening's docket, and she chop-talked something about "ten more songs."

What she didn't clarify is that we would always be ten more songs away from singing. The only thing keeping us from going on a murderous rampage through the karaoke complex was the presence of the Daily Show's Rob Riggle (pictured above) and John Oliver on the couch next to us. Rob sang a few numbers and was a generally good sport about things... he didn't seem to mind that I air-tazered him every time he walked by us. He appreciated my cleverness, no doubt.

After complaining like a couple of losers, we finally got our moment just before midnight. Wong spent most of the evening watching the two microphones like a hawk, performing endless sound-analyses comparisons between each mic. I had every confidence in his ability to not only identify and select the superior sounding microphone in a split second, but also to share his information. There was no way I was going to sing Bruce through a wool sweater.

Wong picked the wrong mic for his opening rendition of "Jump"-- this became apparent when his usually spot-on Rothian yelps came across like smothered gerbils. Wong commandeered the good mic right before the beginning of the second verse-- a point of no return if there ever was one. Wong salvaged the song, but moved our small group from "hey, those jerks over there that keep ruining our songs can actually sing!" to "those jerks aren't even all that good."

I did far worse than Wong, delivering an anemic "Dancing in the Dark" that actually left me gasping for air. I can't fucking believe how out of shape I am.

I broke the only rule of Karaoke that actually matters by not drinking all night. Alcohol is the best (although not only) way to mask the horrors of karaoke: sad and talentless people pretending to be happy and possess talent. And if you've ever been sober when a genuinely happy person that actually can sing gets called to the mic, then you're not reading this because you're being hospitalized for severe depression. Never, I repeat never, go to a karaoke bar without drinking at least five drinks. Never.

The Alaska Diaries, week 10

Pukers Die!!! The Alaska Diaries [names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent]

WEEK TEN: The Long Way Home

[this is an absolutely true account of one of the great driving feats of all time. almost 5000 miles in six days, including no driving after dark the first three days and a 44-hour straight shot from edmonton to poughkeepsie.]

Monday (day 64)
Not much to say to everyone-- weird. Driving out of the cannery was fucking scary. Van sounds OK though.
Great driving today! At least 600 miles, and can't drive over 60! Made it to the border (Beaver Creek?), parked somewhere, drank some beer, and slept.
[the van's dashboard gauges were incorrect for the entire trip post-engine replacement... we showed about 20% faster than we were actually going, and put on 20% more miles than we actually traveled.]

Tuesday (day 65)
Woke up at sunrise and got the fuck on the road. Great driving again... got past Whitehorse about halfway through the day and stopped a little past Watson Lake (!!!). We waited until dark, drove back towards town, and stole two "ALASKA HIGHWAY" street signs. Totally _______'s idea.
[this was hilarious... "mission impossible"-style.]

Wednesday (day 66)
First order of business was to visit Ralph Grunow at his auto shop. Told him all the stuff he fucked up with the van, including the drive shaft that popped off a few hours after we left. He gave us $40 and sent us on our way. I grabbed _______'s Marquee Moon tape out of their radio in the garage.
I talked to some guy at a gas station about the lake in town where ______ and I tried to wash up on the trip in-- he says, "Oh, you mean Chemical Lake?"
We drive all the way to Dawson Creek-- "mile zero." Three 600-mile days in a row.
[i'm still not sure what to think about the Grunow repairs. the guy did let us sleep in his junkyard for a week! i mean, how could he not rip us off... we were a pretty pathetic sight, I'm sure.]

Thursday (day 67)
We actually eat breakfast in Dawson Creek (sit down and pay for it). We get pulled over right after we leave, but no ticket.

We decide to head straight for Edmonton and then take a break. _____ says the largest mall in the world is in Edmonton, so we go there. We smoke a huge Alaska bud in the parking lot out of a beer can-- smells amazing. Maybe the most stoned I've ever been.
The "mall" is ridiculous: we ride a roller coaster, a "Free Fall" ride, water slides, a wave pool, innertube rides, an aquarium, a submarine ride, check out ice skating, an unbelievable arcade... I even buy a cribbage board. We get high out in the van again, too. CRAZY!!!

We drive out of Edmonton after dark to somewhere called Millet. Totally wasted. Nowhere to park and sleep at all, so we park in what looks like a regular parking lot. Turns out it's a car dealership, and we have to move. We almost get stuck in the mud in another spot, and then we get busted by the cops. We end up driving more and finally find an actual rest area.

Friday (day 68)
We wake up early and realize we have to get home as soon as possible. We drive straight from just outside Edmonton to Poughkeepsie, NY.
THE END.
[i didn't write a whole lot from edmonton to ny... we traded 8-hour shifts back and forth (one sleeping, one driving) the entire way back. i remember drinking TONS of pepsi and mountain dew, and putting a quart of oil in almost every time we stopped. had an amazing listen to eric b & rakim on the radio driving through chicago at night. the only time _____ and i were awake at the same time was near the end of the trip... i remember ranting and raving from the passenger seat that soul II soul were changing the face of music forever, and that we would be seeing rap and r & b coming together for the next twenty years. i was sort of right.
i dropped _____ off in poughkeepsie, and headed straight to vassar college to take a shower in main building. i can't believe no one stopped me-- i looked completely insane.
on my way back to long island, i was pulled over on the hutchinson river pkwy (had to pull over onto the grass) at around 7:00 pm. i had no drivers license or id of any kind, a buck knife hanging on the rear view mirror, beer cans all over the back of the van, weed, and a street sign. i was pulled over because my license plate light was out, which i refused to believe at the time. i wasn't sure if i was being arrested, or just written up for about $1000 worth of tickets, when the cop got called on some kind of emergency. he looked me in the eye and said, "it's your lucky day," and drove off.]

The Alaska Diaries, week 9

Pukers Die!!! The Alaska Diaries [names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent]

WEEK NINE: Workin' for a livin'

Monday (day 57)
_____ & I drove up to Kenai to get van fixed at Dodge "hospital" (dealer/licensed service station). The place is amazing! Car sounds a lot better.

We work in the afternoon. Play our Nightwatch gig afterwards.

notables:
Fire
Stone Free
Femme Fatale
Wipeout

Swimming naked in river again. Stole lots of stuff from club.
Changed sign out front to "SHITCORNS" and "BAKOMO". _______ pukes. Crazy night-- we stole a bunch of shotglasses and threw them around the van on the way back from the club.

Tuesday (day 58)
We start working at 3pm (still hungover) and finish our shift at 8am the next morning. Long time.

The Japanese cannery guys were doing calisthenics and playing dodgeball in the morning out in the parking lot. One guy had a stopwatch. "Fuckin' A"...

Wednesday (day 59)
Thursday (day 60)
Friday (day 61)
Saturday (day 62)
Sunday (day 63)
Worked double shifts every day except one single shift day. Got too stoned one of the days and drove the fork lift into the back of the freezer truck, forks up. Also worked in the freezer room in shorts. The regular freezer room guys were taking acid in there sometimes.

Looks like we're leaving tomorrow. ______ has to be back in NY in ten days to fly to South Africa. We're driving the equipment back ourselves-- no one else wants to go back in the van. Two of us the whole way...

week ten: the long way home

 

 

The Alaska Diaries, week 8

Pukers Die!!! The Alaska Diaries [names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent]

WEEK EIGHT: Tequila hijinks, hitchin'

Monday (day 50)
Blew off work again.
Me, ________, and _______ buy a bottle of tequila instead. We get completely wasted before gig. The Nightwatch hates us.

Notables:
Tougher Than the Rest
Stone Free w/drums [I assume this means that I didn't play drums?]

We jump in the Kenai River after the gig. Great listen to Soul II Soul in van on way home.  _______ and _______ wrestle in the back of the van and in the dirt at the cannery.

Tuesday (day 51)
Packed freezer trucks for work.
Had beers after work and drank bottle of tequila again. I passed out early. _____ pees in the attic of the cannery. We eat a lot, drunk.

Wednesday (day 52)
Packing for work.
Tequila AGAIN!!! i don't remember much...

Thursday (day 53)
No work today. Got our paychecks-- they suck!!!
I got dicked out of most of my pay, and so did ______.
______ and ______ go down to Homer. We drive van to Kenai to get bulk food and Jack Daniels. No water at all for the night.

Friday (day 54)
No water again at all anywhere! Can't shit or shower.
We hitched to the Nightwatch in Soldotna. Saw Kaboom play their set-- made fun of them.
We put pitchers of beer on our tab for the next gig. Changed the big sign in front of the club to "49% WOLF" and "BAKOOM." We hitch home wasted.

Saturday (day 55)
Worked in the morning with ______.
We hitched to Anchorage, which was fucking far. We played pool at Chilkoot's and walked around town drinking 40s. ______ and ______ told some creepy stories.
We're all completely bombed. I puked my guts out, then we ended up with some guys doing coke. We slept in a Wonder Bread truck AGAIN! We tried to warm up at a laundromat and ________ pissed his pants. Finally we go to Denny's and sleep on a lawn in front of the restaurant. The grass was fucking beautiful.

Sunday (day 56)
We wake up in front of Denny's in the grass. We split up somehow-- ______ and I end up walking over to a mall. We found Robber Joe's record store, which is awesome. I bought Mudhoney, a Defunkt CD, and a PE single. _______ bought a record by Can and maybe Big Star.
We hitch home, which is totally beautiful. Also get sore asses from all the walking and steal Prep H from the supermarket in Soldotna. Me and ______ drink a bottle of tequila right by the river behind the Nightwatch, and are totally drunk just in time to load in and play.
I play drums completely shitfaced-- awful.

Notables:
My Sharona
Tougher Than the Rest

I jumped in the river again naked and lost my fucking wallet with ID, credit card and at least $100. I pass out in the van totally depressed. Feeling out of control.


week nine: the hours finally come through

The Alaska Diaries, week 7

Pukers Die!!! The Alaska Diaries [names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent]
WEEK SEVEN: Visiting the family, stoned agin...


Monday (day 43)
Blew off work. Slept until fucking 5:00.

Played at Nightwatch. The club is under new ownership.

Notable songs:
After Midnight
The Ocean
There She Goes Again
Foxey Lady

Way too fucking stoned... I wore a trash bag as my stage get-up. Sang "Lay Down Sally" upside-down standing on my head.

Deguello rules!

Tuesday (day 44)
Wednesday (day 45)
Thursday (day 46)
Ridiculously stoned every night this week. Played bridge and cribbage and that's about it.

Friday (day 47)
Finally worked this morning. We drove to Kenai-- got kicked out of "The Place."

Me, ______, and ______ drove to my Uncle Howard's place right there in Kenai. Me and ______ ate stew with his family for dinner while ______ was passed out in the back of the van. Howard was cool to us... he looks like my grandfather.

We left and bought a case of beer and a bottle of Bacardi 151. Flaming shots all night (almost burned my beard)! ______ puked. Crazy night.

Saturday (day 48)
Worked a lot-- packing freezer truck.

Sunday (day 49)
Worked full day and played our Nightwatch gig.
The gigs are getting weirder/worse.

Notable songs:
You May Be Right
Stone Free (w/wah-wah)
Suzie Q. (upside-down vocals again)
_______'s new song
I Can See Clearly Now
________ is completely wasted. ______ makes out with some chick.


week eight: tequila marathons, hitchhiking

 

The Alaska Diaries, week 6

Pukers Die!!! The Alaska Diaries
[names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent]


WEEK SIX: Wiffleball and cribbage

Monday (day 36)
Worked! Welded...

We play at the dock in front of Trans-Aqua:
Wild Thing
Crazy Train

Then we played that night at the Nightwatch:
After Midnight (beer commercial version)
Old Man
Long Haired Country Boy
Piano Man
Light My Fire
Horse... (no idea what this is)
For What It's Worth
U2 (?)
Crazy Love
Higher Ground

The bartender sings a song with us. The "Into the Music" chick hangs out with us. _________ is totally wasted and pukes. I get drunk and call _______.

Tuesday (day 37)
Short day of work.
______ and I go to a local bar that has cribbage night (contest). Totally out of our league. They play without even looking at their cards at all.

Wednesday (day 38)
Medium day of work.

Thursday (day 39)
Really long day of work. Played wiffleball outside the huts.

Friday (day 40)
More welding. Made some sort of fish chute.
Keg of beer! Lots of cribbage.

Saturday (day 41)
Short work in the morning. Went to do laundry out by Kenai. Stood around in my one pair of underwear.

Gig at The Place? Cancelled.

1st night of packing frozen fish! Totally great. Went to Pizza Hut afterwards. Nobody tipped so I had to go back in and leave money.

Sunday (day 42)
Full day of work.

We head down to Nightwatch. Car is shaky.
Sabrina gets kicked out of the club. Angela told on her! (no idea)

Notable songs:
Pale Blue Eyes
songs with full backing vocals (we took their mics)
Drivin' South/Magic Johnson
Can't Get What You Want... (Joe Jackson)
Billy Joel (?) just _____
Crazy Love also just _____

I drank Robitussin again and smoked pot this time too. TOTALLY fucked up all night. I blabbed on and on to ________ all night.

week seven: visiting my great uncle, getting too stoned too often

The Alaska Diaries, week 5

Pukers Die!!! The Alaska Diaries
[names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent]


WEEK FIVE: Working for a living

Monday (day 29)
First real day of work. I loaded bags of salt.

We went shopping for food. Hung out in the huts after "dinner"... talked about smoking mugwort and taking belladonna with a weird guy.

Tuesday (day 30)
Second day of work. Loaded more salt and cleaned some walls.

We played in one of the trailers tonight:
Wild Night
I Wish
Mary Had a Little Lamb
Firefly
Roadhouse Blues
A-Jam
Brown Eyed Girl
L.A. Woman
Proud Mary
Pale Blue Eyes
Needle and the Damage Done
Higher Ground
Foxey Lady
Voodoo Chile
Lemon Song
Can You See Me?
Paranoid
There She Goes Again
Stormy Monday
Further On Up the Road
Sunshine of Your Love
Manic Depression

Some guy played acoustic too. "Jimbo" & ______ squared off. I broke the ride cymbal. ________ is a sick bass player.

Wednesday (day 31)
We painted. ___________ got a complaint on the job.

Our Land's End gig is cancelled.

Thursday (day 32)
Celebrated Summer Solstice at a cool place called "The Crotch." Rasta camp? ________ crashes.

Friday (day 33)
Regular day of work. We go to a bar called "The Place" afterwards. Good jukebox and bar shuffleboard. Free tacos!

Saturday (day 34)
We go back to "The Place" again. Free BBQ! Undefeated in shuffleboard! I piss off people when I play "Venus in Furs" on the jukebox.

Sunday (day 35)
I'm promoted to "Assistant Welder" for $12 an hour.

We play at Nightwatch -- great show. _______ gets totally wasted.

Notable songs:
Stone Free
Bad Case of Loving You
Blues (with new guy)

The new guy Ryan is a great singer and guitar player. I'm exhausted.


week six: wiffleball and cribbage

The Alaska Diaries, week 4

Pukers Die!!! The Alaska Diaries
[names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent]


WEEK FOUR: Arrival at the Cannery

Monday (day 22)
We plan to leave around 9am--NOPE! Van won't start.
We have to get car towed to Tok, Alaska. They work on the van for a while, costs $80. We drive van back to pick up the rest of the guys and things seem fine.

We turn the car off, and it won't start up again. _______ has to get ride from crazy looking guy back to Tok, and comes back with the mechanic. He starts the car, but we need a new starter.

He puts in the new part while we go buy MUCH beer and a Penthouse. We get totally wasted on 16 oz. Hamm's and hang out at the garage. The guys at the garage give us salmon to cook. Car runs, but doesn't have much power. _____ drives it to the nearest campsite. I pass out drunk and miss the salmon dinner.

Tuesday (day 23)
I start off with a good shower. We leave the campsite.

Still no power driving up hills. ______ & _______ actually have to get out of the van right on the highway and push while we go up a steep hill.

We finally make it to Anchorage. Van is terrible! _______ gets an AmEx advance on his card and we eat at "Eatery." We literally roll the car into Firestone (right as we tried to leave the city).

We leave the van at Firestone and get a ride in the back of a pickup truck with a totally hot girl to Chilkoot Charlie's. We play pool and drink whatever beer we can afford. I get wasted and call ______.

The bar is huge and totally unreal. We see two bands playing at the same time in different parts of the club-- "Kaboom" and "Fear of Flying"... Fear of Flying performs completely insane covers of "Mr. Roboto" (with costumes), Journey, Pink Floyd, ZZ Top, Genesis and "Cars" by Gary Numan. Great place.

We stumble out of the place and sleep in the back of a Wonder Bread truck parked nearby. Freezing cold!!! The rest of the guys get high and sleep at a church, get busted, and walk around forever.

Wednesday (day 24)
We wake up in bread truck. Buy coffee and rolls at 7-11.

We see the rest of the guys back at Firestone. They all fell asleep in the showroom while me and _____ walked around. We got _____ and went to Denny's across the street for hours. Then we went back to Firestone to sleep some more (______ slept in the tires display).

The van was fixed by noon, but I wasn't approved for a Firestone credit card. The bill is $412! The car still doesn't have a lot of power - lots of trouble on hills.

We got to the Trans-Aqua processing plant in Kasilof today. Nice place! We apply for jobs & hang out with a bunch of people. Took a nap. We ate lots of food and drink lots of beer.

Thursday (day 25)
We get up early and drive to Soldotna for our audition at the Nightwatch. The car needs to be jumped.

We play "Mary Had a Little Lamb", "Sneakin' Sally...", "Lay Down Sally", "Roadhouse Blues", "Drivin' South" and "Firefly". _____'s bass breaks during the set. We get the gig! Half-price food and free beer.

The Nightwatch guy (Ira) gets us completely stoned. HIGH! We drive down to Homer to find more clubs. We eat raw Ramen noodles in the van. We stop at a gas station and _______ buys everyone two candy bars each.

I sleep. And sleep. ________ snores really fucking loud. Everyone sleeps.

Friday (day 26)
I wake up late. Clean out the van... it won't start again.

______ is already working here at the plant. We sit around and play pitch.

Trans-Aqua has an opening season party tonight. The party is nuts! Huge spread of food and beer. ______ gets totally wasted immediately, and so does everyone else. _______ kicks a chicken across the floor and gets yelled at.

We set up the equipment and play:
"A" Jam
Sneakin' Sally
Mary Had a Little Lamb
Dead Flowers
L.A. Woman
Roadhouse Blues
Heard It Through the Grapevine
Suzie Q
Lay Down Sally
Cocaine
American Woman
Voodoo Chile
Stone Free
Good Times Bad Times
Shotgun Blues
Long Train Runnin'
Brown Eyed Girl
Blues (?)
The Lemon Song
Drivin' South

We're billed as "Pro Motorcycle"... the drums completely fall apart during the set. ________ makes out with some chick at the party. Our boss hooks up too.

A guy named Marty sings "Purple Halibut" and other weird songs. He also calls _______ a "dildo" at the party.

We get crazy high and ________ sprays a fire extinguisher everywhere.

Saturday (day 27)
I missed work. ________ bikes to town (on what bike?).

It's cold and rainy today. We play pitch and get high.

Later we drive down to Homer. We eat pizza (lots of it!).

We audition at the "Land's End" club.

We played:
Gimme Three Steps
Sneakin' Sally
Mary Had a Little Lamb
Dead Flowers
Firefly
Roadhouse Blues
Lay Down Sally
"A" Jam
Brown Eyed Girl

We got the gig! $300+ on Thursday nights. I slept in the van the whole way home.

Sunday (day 28)
Father's Day. I slept late! Played cribbage.

Tonight we play our first gig at the Nightwatch for $200. We eat lots of half-price food.

SET LIST:
Stone Free
Sneakin' Sally
Mary Had a Little Lamb
Dead Flowers
Firefly
Wild Night
Roadhouse Blues
Lay Down Sally
"A" Jam
Brown Eyed Girl
L.A. Woman
Heard It Through the Grapevine
Proud Mary
Fortunate Son
Bad Moon Rising
Funk You
Shotgun Blues
Pale Blue Eyes
Needle and the Damage Done
Ohio
Can't Help Falling in Love
Drivin' South
Honky Tonk Women
Further On Up the Road
Long Train Runnin'
Bad Case of Loving You
I Wish
American Woman

WASTED! Me, ________, and _______ get kicked out of the club. "Isis" is kinda hot.

We all rolled around in the back of the van on the way home (dangerous!). _______ pukes back at the cannery, and _______ falls over.

The Alaska Diaries, week 3

Pukers Die!!! The Alaska Diaries
[names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent]


WEEK THREE: The Watson Lake junkyard

Monday (day 15)
Cost estimated at $1800 to $2000 to fix van. Will take 3-4 days.
We go to library, take nap, play more pitch.
________ calls - they're coming back to get us (?).
We eat kidney beans with honey & mustard.

Tuesday (day 16)
More Watson Lake...

Wake up late. Steal 5-Alive from gas station.
We finally play bridge. Visited the "signs" park down the road by people on Al-Can.
We eat split pea & ham soup and play more bridge. Raining! Tent gets wet.
_________ steals tobacco from gas station.
We have to get the hell out of here...

Wednesday (day 17)
More Watson Lake...

Wake up earlier today. We haven't showered in a while.

________ and I jump in the filthy muddy lake. Bugs everywhere.

________ and _______ call. Plan is to meet them in Whitehorse.

I tried to steal fries from someone's plate at the diner. We played a lot of bridge. Stole license plates.

Thursday (day 18)
We may leave today!!! The drive shaft needs to be fixed too.

We didn't leave today. More bridge in tent.

I called _______ and my Mom at home. I got a 3.4 for the semester!

We're leaving tomorrow!!! We eat mac & cheese. Our fifth night in the junkyard.

Friday (day 19)
We are leaving soon.
We took down the tent and cleaned up the area this morning.

After many hassles (flames coming from exhaust pipe, lady tells us story about car exploding, other problems...) we finally left Watson Lake.

After a couple of hours, the drive shaft falls off going 60 on the Al-Can.

We end up in Swift River, and meet some really nice guys. We need a U-joint for the van, which is being shipped in from Whitehorse. We set up our tent in front of the gas station.

Saturday (day 20)
Shower!
4:00 - our part should come in.

The wrong part comes in... but we still make it back on the road!

We're now in Whitehorse with _______, _________, and _________.
_________ just got his haircut.
I feel much better.

Sunday (day 21)
We have to jump the van twice before we leave Whitehorse.
No hassles at the border.

We camp only 300 miles from Anchorage. Eagle Lake/River?

I drank a bottle of Robitussin that was in the van. NUTS! Listened to AC/DC on headphones and played bridge in the tent. "The Larvas!"



week four: arrival at the cannery

American Top 40s

A good friend of ours is coming up to NY to celebrate her 40th birthday with us in a couple of weeks. When my wife asked me what I thought we should do, I immediately answered, "Let's drink a bunch of 40s!" Has there ever been a more obvious answer to a question?

Seemed like a good time to throw together a quick top ten list:

TOP TEN 40 oz. MALT LIQUORS

1. Colt 45
G. Heileman, 5.9% alc.
The undisputed king of the parking lot. I lost a bet once (Monday Night Football, I believe) and had to drink two 64 oz. Colts in 20 minutes. I ended sprinting and shrieking across my college campus (not streaking, but it was actually "the Quad") in the middle of the night. I was supposedly studying for a French final exam and was cold busted by my girlfriend at the time, who actually heard me from inside her dorm room at least 200 yards away.

2. Midnight Dragon ("Special Reserve")
G. Heileman, unknown alc.%
One of the great mysteries of the malt liquor pantheon. The label contains a Latin inscription, which a friend translated as "To sip and tip is hip..." We once put out an ivy fire with about a dozen Dragons.

3. Olde English "800"
Miller, 5.9% alc.
Immortalized by Eazy-E and countless others. Probably the coolest beverage on Earth.

4. Crazy Horse
City Brewing, 5.9% alc.
The bottle alone inspires sheer terror. Jager-esque myths surround this brew, as well as P.C. watchdogs pissed off about the hatchets and scalps that used to adorn the label. I was whooping it up with a few of these one night, blind drunk-- one of my roommates just shook his head and muttered, "Strychnine... he's drinking fucking strychnine..."

5. St. Ides
Pabst, 8.0% alc. (high gravity)
As Guru once said, "This shit'll blow your mind, son." I dismissed St. Ides drinkers as wannabes back in the day, for reasons unknown then and now.

6. Country Club
G. Heileman, 5.7% alc.
My vote for "worst malt liquor of all time." I drank one on Houston St. one time and puked all over the curb. I guess it's a classic, but Jesus!

7. Laser
Falstaff, 5.9% alc.
I only ever bought these as a joke-- kinda like buying a really raunchy mag along with your tank of gas. Great label.

8. Magnum
Miller, 5.9% alc.
(see Laser, but without the great label)

9. King Cobra
Annheuser-Busch, 5.9% alc.
Bud's foray into the netherworlds... getting pulled over with one of these in your lap just might land you in the slammer.

10. Colt Ice, Cool Colt
G. Heileman, 7.5 % alc., unknown
Twin abominations.