Men's Gymnastics

We've just been alerted that we're watching "must-see Olympic gymnastics".

One of the Chinese gymnasts is sprinkling talc powder over his own head in a bizarre, ritualistic fashion. Hopefully he'll catch Lebron James at some point this week and learn how it's done.

Apparently this is being shown live. After watching so much crap that's already happened, this feels weird. Am I peering into the future? Is Al Trautwig trapped in some sort of time warp? Was getting stoned tonight a mistake?

Looks like the U.S. guys are about to do their floor routines. This first guy (Justin Spring) doesn't seem that good. The announcer just called his performance a "slight mess-up". Jeez, it looks amazing in slo-mo!

The next guy (Joe Hagerty) didn't waste any time-- he fucked up his routine immediately. Not only did he stumble and almost break his ankle, but he stepped out of bounds twice. Or, "not real bad, but not good". Shamed, Hagerty's now stripping off his clothes in front of everyone.

The Japanese guy they're showing now looks like Federico from Six Feet Under. That makes sense, because half the American team looks like David.

Now this guy was good. Jonathan Horton is my new favorite gymnast. Or, "MVP times ten!" Trautwig should've brought Clyde with him from New York to do color commentary. "Flipping and slipping... dancing and prancing... "

Joe Hagerty just waved to the camera like an idiot for about ten seconds. Gosh, I've seen more attitude in a Pampers commercial.

Cool, the pommel horse. I tried this once and nearly broke my neck. They should have a reality show where regular schmucks have to perform full all-around gymnastics routines. The rings would be absolutely hilarious.

I like this guy Rav that replaced Paul Hamm. The other alternate, Alexander something, is walking around like he has a bad case of 'roids. I doubt they test for that...

I dunno, I have a hard time getting into the flow of these team competitions. It takes so long for the lead to change-- it's like watching 80 baseball games in one night.

Yikes, Joe Hagerty just yelled "That's how we roll!!!" in front of the camera. He's the Michael Kay of the team. He seems about as agile as Kay, too.

See, it feels like we're catching up, but who the hell knows?

Al: "Anyone that's Chinese and near a television set is watching this..." That would make this particular program the highest rated show in the history of global television. Hey, maybe it is?!

I'm running out of power. Gotta go...