Movin' on up!

Lee's Steez is finally here! MySpace was getting a little too crowded for my taste.

Thanks to all the fans that made this move possible. Big thanks to my intern Michelle, who typed pages and pages of old entries on her own time!

-Lee Mazzola

2008 Home Run Derby

So I was all set to get tickets for the Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium, and TicketMaster locked out my pre-sale password for 15 minutes. Turned out 15 minutes was all I had before I had to go back to work, so I didn't get my tickets. I wrote a nasty letter to the Yankee season ticket department, which I'd rather not revisit.

Probably just as well. My back is killing me-- there's no way I could stand on a bleacher bench for four hours drinking vodka out of a water bottle. No way.

I watched it on TV instead:

8:01 - The band 3 Doors Down kicks things off, featuring one of he least charismatic lead singers I've ever seen. He looks like he just got out of prison.

8:10 - Hilarious graphic of the dimensions of the Stadium against a red backdrop, making the bleachers and upper deck look like Hell.

8:11 - (sound of puking) Damn... I was hoping Joe Morgan wasn't going to show up. If Joe says a guy's gonna win, that's a guarantee he won't make it to the next round. In fact, if Joe says anything, that's a guarantee it's not true. Especially if he says it two or three times in a row, which he usually does.

8:14 - Reggie just threw out the first pitch to Derek Jeter. That's the last time anyone having to do with the Yankees will touch a ball tonight. Erin Andrews interviews Jeter in a business-casual-meets-milkmaid kind of outfit (Erin is wearing the outfit).

8:20 - Joe Morgan is explaining the importance of the batter and pitcher developing a "rhythm" in order to be successful.

8:23 - Requisite boring shots of All-Star players sitting on the sides with little video cameras. Why do they have to film it? Doesn't somebody else get paid to do that?

8:25 - Somebody just got dissed on a high-five by Dan Uggla's toddler son. That's rough.

8:27 - This is already bullshit. I think they need a little star power here... how many little kids (beside Uggla's little kid) do you really think are screaming for Dan Uggla to hit one out of the park?

8:29 - Now I really appreciate the 2005 HR Derby when they had 8 guys from 8 different countries. This year we have, um, seven white guys born in America and another white guy born in Canada. What the hell happened? I thought MLB went global!

8:32 - I can barely understand anything David Ortiz is saying.

8:33 - For a second there I thought Sal Fasano was behind the plate. Fasano missed the whole Yankees "stash" mania by a couple of years.

8:36 - Here's a serious suggestion:

1) Make the Derby one round only. Then no one complains about getting tired.

2) If you're selected to be in the contest, you can't say no or else you don't make the All-Star Team.

8:40 - I keep wanting to call him "Evan Fangoria".

8:48 - Chase Utley almost got beaned by his own BP pitcher.

9:13 - Morneau just clubbed the shit out of, um, the balls.

9:15 - This is officially boring. Ryan Braun is up next, which makes this officially really boring.

9:18 - I'm rooting for Josh Hamilton, who is a recovering drug addict. This is by far the best human story we have in this year's Derby.

9:28 - J-Ham just blasted one off the back wall of the RF bleachers. Totally nuts.

9:31 - I think everyone's gonna use BP pitchers that are 71 years old next time.

9:35 - "You see Josh Hamilton's tattoos, which he's not ashamed of, even though he got them while he was high on drugs..." (one of the ESPN morons)

9:42 - Ortiz just waddled across the batter's box in the middle of Hamilton's HR exhibition to a chorus of boos and "Boston sucks" chants. Very nice.

9:45 - Chris Berman is just yelling out random locations around New York for each of Hamilton's dongs - "Staten Island! Pelham! Gravesend!"

9:57 - Reggie's being interviewed by the ESPN idiots. Berkman's entire 2nd round performance was completely ignored.

10:02 - Reggie's still talking. Morneau's in the middle of his 2nd round with nobody watching.

10:05 - Reggie's talked about more of his own home runs than Berkman and Morneau have actually hit.

10:07 - Morneau's hitting some bombs. If it's Morneau and Hamilton in the 3rd round, Morneau will be the bad guy... because he's a clean cut, honest-looking guy that doesn't do drugs.

10:15 - Now I really wish Giambi was in this thing. Coulda been battle of the tattooed former drug abusers in the 3rd round.

10:22 - I love how everyone acts so amazed when a guy hits a ton of home runs in the Home Run Derby. Isn't that exactly what they're supposed to do??!! Would anyone be going nuts if someone caught a shitload of fish in the State Farm Fishing Derby?!

10:32 - The "Call Your Shot" thing is pretty stupid. Some rube in a red State Farm shirt makes an idiot out of himself pointing out into the bleachers. He looks kinda like George Pataki.

10:40 - I miss Mike Piazza's HR Derby commentary.

10:47 - My TV's on mute, but I think Justin Morneau just told Erin Andrews about his former addiction to cinnamon Freshen-Up gum.

10:51 - Oops! "The Island of Justin Morneau"... Morneau wins!!!

Postscript- OK, can we now say that the HR Derby needs to be "fixed", just like the All-Star Game itself was fixed?

We had little to no star value whatsoever, and the one guy the crowd actually cheered for hit dozens of balls 450+ feet and lost the contest.

Like I already suggested:

1) One round, most HR's wins. Expand the field to 12 if you want.

2) Participation is mandatory, or else you lose your All-Star Status.

That's not so hard, is it?

Miss Universe 2008

You can't make this stuff up...

Jerry Springer hosts Miss Universe 2008 live from Ho Chi Minh City. The stage is-- whoa!! They're already announcing the winner!!! No big surprises here... the 70-pound waif with big knockers from Venezuela and the one from D.R. wearing the outfit from Wang Chung's "Dance Hall Days" video are finalists. Yep, Miss Venezuela won.

I didn't even have a chance to give you the highlights. Miss USA fell right on her ass during what looked like the most important part of the show. Miss Russia was terrifying, and every one of the contestants was at least 2M in height.

Here's a direct quote from Miss Italy's Q & A portion:
What is something unique that has happened to you; some interesting thing about you?
"I love all pets and I have always desired to have one of them in my house but unfortunately I'm allergic to their hair."

Venezuela (the winning "delegate") came up with something a bit better for the same question:
"I was once kidnapped, in what in my country is known as an express kidnapping. It was a very hard experience. I learned to remain calm in a very stressful situation and to try to reach to the human part of our abductors."

Mizz Albania had the best response, even if she didn't win:

"I am delighted to admit that this is my very first amazing and unique experience."

Cold-Cock #1

Welcome to our first "Cold-Cock", where an unsuspecting listener is forced to respond in writing to a song he or she may have never heard. The listener's response must be composed and completed before the song ends.

ROUND 1 (Lee's listening & responding, Hiawatha's spinning)
Song - "Watchmaker"
Artist - Excuse 17
Length - 3:08
Response - Sounds a lot like the Replacements at first, but then some awful singing starts! Whoa! The vocals are WAY too high in the mix!...
Now I'm starting to think it's pretty good, but just not for me. I mean, this chick can definitely sing, but not always the way I like. Almost sounds like a fucked up broadway play put on by performance students up at LaGuardia HS. I'd have to say the band is Bikini Kill.

ROUND 2 (same thing: Lee's listening & responding, Hiawatha's spinning)
Song - "Modern Romance"
Artist - The Rapture
Length - 2:33
Response - All I'm hearing is guitar and drums. OK now it sounds like a Gang of Four kinda slashfest, with Public Image-style vocals and clumsy textural drum stuff. The song just goes right by, unless you're lucky enough to keep up. Either way, I can't remember a damn thing from it. Gimme something to grab onto man! I actually know this one, it's the Rapture.

ROUND 3 (this time Hiawatha's listening & responding, Lee's spinning)
Song - "Got a Hold on Me"
Artist - Christine McVie
Length - 3:52
Response - Fleetwood Mac. Chrystie McVie. second female singer. Cheery 80's pop - but a little better than some. husky voice. cheesy keybaords. drums sound fake or canned. crazy sound in back some kind of cheap sound effect. super 80's percussion. yea, that drum sound sounds like a rototom. is lindsay on this?

Don't hit, don't field... what do you do?

Boy, we couldn't hit the side of the CN Tower with a half-slab of bacon tonight. Joba looked fine, but mainly got screwed by crappy fielding. Joba's gonna be 7 IP 2 ER on a consistent basis REAL soon. Watch.

I'm starting to love Hank. You know how George always tried to say exactly what the fans deserved to hear, but he just did it in such a weird way that it freaked us out?
Well, Hank gives us the raw uncut every time. Check it:

“This is New York, and the fans deserve a team of marquee players,” he said. “We all understand that. I think where we want to end up is a tremendous mix of young talent and veterans, and the veteran free agents cost money, and we realize that. We are going to have a lot of money coming off the payroll, and that gives us some options. But believe me, we’re going to use a good portion of it to get this city the team it deserves and to try to improve in the areas we need to.”

At least I have Halladay for IP in the pool...

Yankees 2, Red Sox 1

My second game in three days, which is a lot for a family man such as myself. Starting to feel pretty old…

Took a co-worker of mine (she happens to be a Boston fan) to this one, under the agreement that we’d both wear neutral garb. Somehow that translated into an Australian beer hat for me. Either way, we blended right in. Some punk kid actually asked me if I was a Red Sox fan.

Speaking of which, we got to our seats to find two women and a child in our way. One had a red Yaz shirt (above right), the other had a pink Varitek shirt, and the kid had some kind of weird homemade Sox sign. It was immediately clear that these were decent folk (they just looked that way) and from out of town (they just looked that way). Also immediately clear was the fact that they were sitting in my season seats.

We could have easily moved over two seats and let the trio sit together, except for the fact that I’ve never moved out of these seats for anyone. Ever. I wasn’t about to start for a bunch of straggler Sox fans. So they had to sit on either side of me and my friend, which made for a funny dynamic (one of the gals knew almost nothing about baseball, and relied on her pal for just about everything) across our row. It ended up being fine.

The game was great. Also great (or at least promising) was the “new Yankee bar” part 2. Turns out the joint’s called “The Dugout” or something close to that. It’s sorta cheap and as spacious as the Trop on a Tuesday night.
Highlights:
1) Patrons are encouraged to freestyle rap in the main space; video of the whole affair is simultaneously projected on the wall. Jon Pauley and I almost blessed the mic a couple of times (I was drawing blanks except for a couple of Public Enemy fragments and most of “Jump Around”)…
2) Beer pong activity was evident in the corner of the room.
3) Hilarious blue metallic 16 oz bottles of Bud Lite were being sold for $6 a pop, complete with Yankee logo.

I think the Dugout just might work out for everyone.

Red Sox 7, Yankees 0

Wow, almost three months since I last posted. Guess I've been kinda busy.

Jon Pauley had what I consider to be great seats to this game. Right behind home plate, not too far up, right on the aisle. Yes, upper deck you moron! He has the "Midweek Plan"-- one of the few good deals left up there (along with the $10.50 Fosters drafts on the first floor, 3 Heinekens for $12 up the hill and the giant popcorns). The Thursday night Boston game is your reward for sitting through crappy games like Baltimore and Toronto.

Anyway, I sat down at 6:50 and said, "Oh shit. They're playing Boston tonight." I honestly forgot we were at a Red Sox game. Understandable, considering that the only Boston fans around were women and children. Seriously, it was weird. None of the drunk, goateed inbreeds we normally associate with Sox games at the Stadium. Still not sure why the crowd was different.

That's where the peculiarities ended, 'cause the Yanks got whupped like they usually do when I go to Boston games. Horrific. I think I got excited when Ellsbury whiffed, and that was it. I almost wished there was a drunk, goateed inbreed sitting behind us (although some might nominate the idiotic father-son team one row down), screaming "Fuck yeah, Tek!! Fuckin' A, Youk!!"

Jon took me to the new "Yankee bar" after the game. Does the new Stadium look cheesy? Uh, yes it does. How could it not??!!! I'm referring to it as "Epcot Presents: Yankee Stadium" from now on. It almost looks like a new Bed, Bath & Beyond somewhere in Iowa. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The new bar was pretty silly. It's kinda like when you're on tour and the itinerary says "Rock Street" or some weird new place you've never heard of, and the guarantee's ridiculously high. You know it can't possibly last like this, so you milk it for all it's worth. The new bar (I have no idea what it's called-- hopefully "Rock Street") was practically empty and absolutely enormous. They played decent music, and had reasonably priced draft beer. OK, shots were $10, but that seems to be true everywhere these days.

The new bar will probably suck next season. There wasn't anything "cool" about it, except that we could sit down and drink beer. I'm trying to be of the "more is good" school about the new Stadium-- more spigots, more urinals, more food, more more more!!! The more shit they throw at us, the better the chance that we'll find something else that's good. Maybe the bowling alley will re-emerge as the good place to go, or maybe Twin sausages will make a comeback... maybe even Stan's will be fun again.

More. It's the Yankee way, right?!

Rays 6, Yankees 3

Took the honorable Michael Heaton to the game. Mike’s not a Yankee fan, but he put on a happy face and had a good time. I’m pretty sure the Miller Lites helped a bit.

The beer was definitely the highlight of the game. Jeter, Damon and Cano continued their awful performance, and Pettite was shaky. Shell Duncan kinda stunk too.

I’m pretty sure the guy next to me stole my promotional 2008 Yankee calenedar. I put it down next to my seat for a sec while I said hi to a couple of people, and next thing I know it’s gone. Meanwhile, my neighbor sits smug with two calendars in his lap. I ask him if he saw my calendar, and he shakes his head. Ten minutes later I hear him jawing about how the calendars are already going for $40 on eBay. No proof, but I think he got me. Mike H, ever the gent, scored me another one off the floor of the mens’ room.

Stadium Pizza doesn’t even sell their 3 for $10 beer anymore. At least the beer inside the stadium hasn’t gone up (how could it?). As I said, the beer was the highlight of the game.

Rays 13, Yankees 4

The following is a real-time diary account of tonight’s Yankee broadcast on YES:

7:01 – Apparently Joe Girardi is "under the weather" tonight, and will be managing from his office...

7:02 – Michael Kay – "After last night’s performance by Hughes, Ian Kennedy will have some tough shoes to follow tonight…" I guess we’ll burn that metaphor when we cross it.

7:05 – The Rays??? Fucking stupid. How ’bout the Arizona Backs?

7:07 – Yankees: The Final Season… Will Joba get whacked? Will Joe Torre pour gasoline on the coast-to-coast beef? Will Jeter finally fuck Meadow?

7:10 – Ken Singleton just pronounced it Ee-van Longoria. He wishes.

7:16 – Fantasy Bonus Alert: Crawford SB.

7:19 – Stop talking about Kennedy’s amazing control. He can barely throw a damn strike.

7:27 – Wow, nothing like watching a baseball game with your son. It’s something I always… ah shit! LJ just projectile puked all over my leg.

7:LLkl;kjj oops, fell asleep for a minute there.

8:00 – Jeez, he just walked Carlos "That’s the Raspberries" Pena.

8:06 – Ouch. Ian’s looking a bit more Ted than John F so far…

8:07 - … and they just took him out. Girardi could be heard faintly calling from the office bathroom, "Nooooo… don’t take him out yet…. (flushhhhhhhhh)"

8:09 – Have no fear, it’s Jonathan Albadagajedero.

8:12 – Suck city. Better dust off those Igawa shirts.

8:22 – The New York Yankees… where formerly great leadoff hitters come to wither off and die.

8:29 – OK, signs of life. Giambi’s lickin’ his lips like crazy—that’s good.

8:30 – Fantasy Bust Alert: Cano’s batting like 0.050.

8:34 – Jeter error. If Cano’s having one of his space cadet nights in the field, the Yankees might have one of the worst defensive infields in baseball.

8:40 – Now I really am falling asleep. I’m going for Diet Dew 3 for the day.

8:53 – Wakefield’s getting knocked around a bit by the Jays. Rays, Jays… tough division. At least Tampa’s sort of normal looking—Toronto’s got more mullets than a Mr. Mister video. Or at least the ’93 Phillies.

8:58 – So they’re using a recording of Bob Sheppard’s voice every time Jeter comes to the plate. Weird.

9:15 – Great. Another "lefty specialist" that can’t get lefties out.

9:18 – Giambi. Catlike at first.

9:43 – What the hell happened? I went to give Lee Jr. a bath, and it looks like Hawkins is the one that took a bath. Oh brother. Booed off the field.

9:48 – Farnsworth, Farnsworth, he’s our man! If he can’t do it, Carlos Pena can! 3-run dong. We’re getting our asses whupped by the Rays.

9:50 – [from Ms. Mazz: "Was this Torre’s fault too, Kyle?"] Gotta love it.

9:52 – Let’s see what else is on: "Escape to Chimp Eden"; "John Adams" (I can’t take this seriously at all. I’m waiting for John Adams to start singing karaoke.); "You, Me and Dupree"; "Beerfest"; "The Breakfast Club" (ultra-rare uncensored version); "Succubus: Hellbent".

9:56 – Kay and the boys are doing a great job calling them "Rays" and not "Devil Rays". I couldn’t do that. I still talk about the Oilers and the Expos.

10:00 – Tomorrow better be better. When I go to 30 games in a season, I don’t much give a shit if they get creamed a few times. But this year, I demand more. Quality, not quantity. Sapporo, not Bud Lite.

10:04 – Farnsworth is a real bum. Really. He has the competitive edge of a potato chip.

10:14 – Cano seems to be in one of his moods. In other words, he’s hitting like shit.

10:15 – I suppose Rob Thomson did a good job managing. Managing to get wiped, that is.

10:17 – Sorry that was so boring. I just took a handful of pills and I’m going to bed now.

Eternal Knicks Question…

Which will last longer?

Isiah Thomas or the flesh-colored bandage on Jamal Crawford's shoulder?