Rays 13, Yankees 4

The following is a real-time diary account of tonight’s Yankee broadcast on YES:

7:01 – Apparently Joe Girardi is "under the weather" tonight, and will be managing from his office...

7:02 – Michael Kay – "After last night’s performance by Hughes, Ian Kennedy will have some tough shoes to follow tonight…" I guess we’ll burn that metaphor when we cross it.

7:05 – The Rays??? Fucking stupid. How ’bout the Arizona Backs?

7:07 – Yankees: The Final Season… Will Joba get whacked? Will Joe Torre pour gasoline on the coast-to-coast beef? Will Jeter finally fuck Meadow?

7:10 – Ken Singleton just pronounced it Ee-van Longoria. He wishes.

7:16 – Fantasy Bonus Alert: Crawford SB.

7:19 – Stop talking about Kennedy’s amazing control. He can barely throw a damn strike.

7:27 – Wow, nothing like watching a baseball game with your son. It’s something I always… ah shit! LJ just projectile puked all over my leg.

7:LLkl;kjj oops, fell asleep for a minute there.

8:00 – Jeez, he just walked Carlos "That’s the Raspberries" Pena.

8:06 – Ouch. Ian’s looking a bit more Ted than John F so far…

8:07 - … and they just took him out. Girardi could be heard faintly calling from the office bathroom, "Nooooo… don’t take him out yet…. (flushhhhhhhhh)"

8:09 – Have no fear, it’s Jonathan Albadagajedero.

8:12 – Suck city. Better dust off those Igawa shirts.

8:22 – The New York Yankees… where formerly great leadoff hitters come to wither off and die.

8:29 – OK, signs of life. Giambi’s lickin’ his lips like crazy—that’s good.

8:30 – Fantasy Bust Alert: Cano’s batting like 0.050.

8:34 – Jeter error. If Cano’s having one of his space cadet nights in the field, the Yankees might have one of the worst defensive infields in baseball.

8:40 – Now I really am falling asleep. I’m going for Diet Dew 3 for the day.

8:53 – Wakefield’s getting knocked around a bit by the Jays. Rays, Jays… tough division. At least Tampa’s sort of normal looking—Toronto’s got more mullets than a Mr. Mister video. Or at least the ’93 Phillies.

8:58 – So they’re using a recording of Bob Sheppard’s voice every time Jeter comes to the plate. Weird.

9:15 – Great. Another "lefty specialist" that can’t get lefties out.

9:18 – Giambi. Catlike at first.

9:43 – What the hell happened? I went to give Lee Jr. a bath, and it looks like Hawkins is the one that took a bath. Oh brother. Booed off the field.

9:48 – Farnsworth, Farnsworth, he’s our man! If he can’t do it, Carlos Pena can! 3-run dong. We’re getting our asses whupped by the Rays.

9:50 – [from Ms. Mazz: "Was this Torre’s fault too, Kyle?"] Gotta love it.

9:52 – Let’s see what else is on: "Escape to Chimp Eden"; "John Adams" (I can’t take this seriously at all. I’m waiting for John Adams to start singing karaoke.); "You, Me and Dupree"; "Beerfest"; "The Breakfast Club" (ultra-rare uncensored version); "Succubus: Hellbent".

9:56 – Kay and the boys are doing a great job calling them "Rays" and not "Devil Rays". I couldn’t do that. I still talk about the Oilers and the Expos.

10:00 – Tomorrow better be better. When I go to 30 games in a season, I don’t much give a shit if they get creamed a few times. But this year, I demand more. Quality, not quantity. Sapporo, not Bud Lite.

10:04 – Farnsworth is a real bum. Really. He has the competitive edge of a potato chip.

10:14 – Cano seems to be in one of his moods. In other words, he’s hitting like shit.

10:15 – I suppose Rob Thomson did a good job managing. Managing to get wiped, that is.

10:17 – Sorry that was so boring. I just took a handful of pills and I’m going to bed now.