2008 Home Run Derby

So I was all set to get tickets for the Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium, and TicketMaster locked out my pre-sale password for 15 minutes. Turned out 15 minutes was all I had before I had to go back to work, so I didn't get my tickets. I wrote a nasty letter to the Yankee season ticket department, which I'd rather not revisit.

Probably just as well. My back is killing me-- there's no way I could stand on a bleacher bench for four hours drinking vodka out of a water bottle. No way.

I watched it on TV instead:

8:01 - The band 3 Doors Down kicks things off, featuring one of he least charismatic lead singers I've ever seen. He looks like he just got out of prison.

8:10 - Hilarious graphic of the dimensions of the Stadium against a red backdrop, making the bleachers and upper deck look like Hell.

8:11 - (sound of puking) Damn... I was hoping Joe Morgan wasn't going to show up. If Joe says a guy's gonna win, that's a guarantee he won't make it to the next round. In fact, if Joe says anything, that's a guarantee it's not true. Especially if he says it two or three times in a row, which he usually does.

8:14 - Reggie just threw out the first pitch to Derek Jeter. That's the last time anyone having to do with the Yankees will touch a ball tonight. Erin Andrews interviews Jeter in a business-casual-meets-milkmaid kind of outfit (Erin is wearing the outfit).

8:20 - Joe Morgan is explaining the importance of the batter and pitcher developing a "rhythm" in order to be successful.

8:23 - Requisite boring shots of All-Star players sitting on the sides with little video cameras. Why do they have to film it? Doesn't somebody else get paid to do that?

8:25 - Somebody just got dissed on a high-five by Dan Uggla's toddler son. That's rough.

8:27 - This is already bullshit. I think they need a little star power here... how many little kids (beside Uggla's little kid) do you really think are screaming for Dan Uggla to hit one out of the park?

8:29 - Now I really appreciate the 2005 HR Derby when they had 8 guys from 8 different countries. This year we have, um, seven white guys born in America and another white guy born in Canada. What the hell happened? I thought MLB went global!

8:32 - I can barely understand anything David Ortiz is saying.

8:33 - For a second there I thought Sal Fasano was behind the plate. Fasano missed the whole Yankees "stash" mania by a couple of years.

8:36 - Here's a serious suggestion:

1) Make the Derby one round only. Then no one complains about getting tired.

2) If you're selected to be in the contest, you can't say no or else you don't make the All-Star Team.

8:40 - I keep wanting to call him "Evan Fangoria".

8:48 - Chase Utley almost got beaned by his own BP pitcher.

9:13 - Morneau just clubbed the shit out of, um, the balls.

9:15 - This is officially boring. Ryan Braun is up next, which makes this officially really boring.

9:18 - I'm rooting for Josh Hamilton, who is a recovering drug addict. This is by far the best human story we have in this year's Derby.

9:28 - J-Ham just blasted one off the back wall of the RF bleachers. Totally nuts.

9:31 - I think everyone's gonna use BP pitchers that are 71 years old next time.

9:35 - "You see Josh Hamilton's tattoos, which he's not ashamed of, even though he got them while he was high on drugs..." (one of the ESPN morons)

9:42 - Ortiz just waddled across the batter's box in the middle of Hamilton's HR exhibition to a chorus of boos and "Boston sucks" chants. Very nice.

9:45 - Chris Berman is just yelling out random locations around New York for each of Hamilton's dongs - "Staten Island! Pelham! Gravesend!"

9:57 - Reggie's being interviewed by the ESPN idiots. Berkman's entire 2nd round performance was completely ignored.

10:02 - Reggie's still talking. Morneau's in the middle of his 2nd round with nobody watching.

10:05 - Reggie's talked about more of his own home runs than Berkman and Morneau have actually hit.

10:07 - Morneau's hitting some bombs. If it's Morneau and Hamilton in the 3rd round, Morneau will be the bad guy... because he's a clean cut, honest-looking guy that doesn't do drugs.

10:15 - Now I really wish Giambi was in this thing. Coulda been battle of the tattooed former drug abusers in the 3rd round.

10:22 - I love how everyone acts so amazed when a guy hits a ton of home runs in the Home Run Derby. Isn't that exactly what they're supposed to do??!! Would anyone be going nuts if someone caught a shitload of fish in the State Farm Fishing Derby?!

10:32 - The "Call Your Shot" thing is pretty stupid. Some rube in a red State Farm shirt makes an idiot out of himself pointing out into the bleachers. He looks kinda like George Pataki.

10:40 - I miss Mike Piazza's HR Derby commentary.

10:47 - My TV's on mute, but I think Justin Morneau just told Erin Andrews about his former addiction to cinnamon Freshen-Up gum.

10:51 - Oops! "The Island of Justin Morneau"... Morneau wins!!!

Postscript- OK, can we now say that the HR Derby needs to be "fixed", just like the All-Star Game itself was fixed?

We had little to no star value whatsoever, and the one guy the crowd actually cheered for hit dozens of balls 450+ feet and lost the contest.

Like I already suggested:

1) One round, most HR's wins. Expand the field to 12 if you want.

2) Participation is mandatory, or else you lose your All-Star Status.

That's not so hard, is it?