Vancouver Winter Olympic Games 2010 (opening ceremonies)

I fully intend to cover this year's Vancouver Winter Olympiad as completely as I did the Chinese Summer Games two years ago, but this may not be possible. I don't think I'll be able to stay awake.

I was busy reporting on last night's opening ceremonies (even though I tuned in almost three hours late) when I was overwhelmed by several feelings at once: exhaustion, shame and intoxication. I've been averaging three hours of sleep (tops!) for over a week now, and my body's reacting in several ways at once: loss of appetite, bizarre emotional swings, and general dimwittedness. See what I mean? I can't even write anymore!

Anyway, I was all fired up to rip this year's Olympiad a new arse-hole. I already had some pretty funny stuff down after only 15 minutes of tube time (including a funny riff involving k.d. lang and an igloo) when I was overwhelmed by several different started to feel like a real asshole. Usually that's my sign that I'm writing some really good stuff, but this was different.

These opening ceremonies were doomed from the start. In addtion to an athlete dying during a training run on the luge course, balmy weather conditions, and having to follow the unbelievable Chinese OC last time, the Canadians just didn't seem to "want it." Let's face it-- the ceremonies have become an event in themselves.

So why'd I feel so bad about ripping the 'nucks for doing a lousy job? Mainly because they did the right thing.  There's no way they could have even come close to rivaling Beijing '08's extravaganza, so why bother? This year's committee (team? groupe?) did things in true Canadian fashion: modest, understated, and sorta hard to understand. I applaud them for this.

Not that they didn't attempt a couple of tough routines. When I turned the TV on, there was something going on that looked like a giant-scale outtake from Inland Empire. Images projected on enormous rippling tarps in an utterly confusing manner. I honestly couldn't tell if something was broken or I was just seeing things or both.

Minutes later a guy looking like Fat Joe as a college professor was orating to the thousands about who-the-hell-knows-what. Yeah, I had the volume muted and our CC wasn't picking up anything, but I had no idea what he was talking about! k.d. came on and delivered a laborious version of... I don't know what it was, OK?! And where the hell was Rush during all this crap?! I'd think they'd have Geddy Lee on speed dial #1 any time a Canadian cultural event of any kind is in production.

The guy that made the final address (like, "let the games begin") seemed to be apologizing more than anything else, and there were still more mishaps to come. I don't know what the composite "torch" structure was actually supposed to look like, due to the fact that a large component of the piece never actually erected itself. I came up with (a) a half-assed bonfire, (b) a huge replica of half-eaten french fries, (c) the cover of Los Angeles by X, or (d) a conglomeration of marijuana joints.

Even weirder seeing Wayne Gretzky carrying the last leg of the torch's journey in a pickup truck like he was running from the cops. The kids running next to him on the side of the street were a nice touch.

All in all, they rolled with the punches pretty well. Merci, Canada, for bringing the Olympics back to the people. At least Anne Murray didn't have a wardrobe malfunction.


Holy Jesus... I thought I was tuning in to today's Games at 2pm Eastern and instead got an insane "We Are the World: Haiti" performance/advertisement. Absolutely terrifying. Check it out if you can.