Ladies Figure Skating

Home cookin's a B...

This is no way to live. I can't go on Twitter anymore, I haven't dared to open my New York Times app for almost two weeks, and I threw a perfectly good microwave dinner in the garbage today. Who am I??!!!!!

Oh well. Given that you've probably already watched it and know exactly what happened, here's my coverage of the end of the last round of Ladies Figure Skating, which I won't publish until tomorrow. 

The personal tidbits supplied by the commentators sound like little cards filled out by the skaters while they wait their turn: "Adelina's favorite drink is orange juice, and she liked the first Hunger Games movie."

Whoops, Polina Edmunds just took a dump right on her can (that's skatingspeak for "she fell down"). See you in four years, toots.

Oh boy, Yulia's skating to "Schindler's List" again. Maybe she's just a huge Liam Neeson fan, in which case I'd suggest "Darkman Returns (Theme)" or the music from the closing credits of Taken. She fell twice, so she's definitely out. 

Carolina Kostner did a great job, despite her awful choice of music. Did she rip the score from Mothra right off of YouTube? She didn't fall, which puts her in first place by default. 

Next up is Adelina Sotnikova. At least she looks like she's having fun and kinda doesn't give a shit! Jeez now she's crying out on the ice... No, she's in first!

I hate this McDonalds commercial where they're biting their gold medals and then they're just biting their McNuggets. Maybe I'll unmute it next time so I can understand it. 

Here come the heavy hitters. Gracie Gold is my favorite American skater. It worries me that she's been skating around in circles for at least a minute without a single jump. Here she goes... BOOM right on her ass. Not so good. 

Anyone else want to see them bring back the compulsory figures? You know, when the skaters had to skate perfect figure eights for like thirty minutes, after which a team of scientists measured and graded their etched designs? Could be cool in HD!

Okay, here's the top dog: Yuna Kim. I watched her the other day and she was absolutely perfect. So far so good... Yep, another Wu Banga for Yuna. She's gotta win. 

Whoa, the second Russian won. I can't tell if Yuna Kim is crying or blowing her nose. Either way, she was robbed. 

Biathlon: Women's Pursuit

Girls with guns.

Just took a late night Ambien and turned on the O-Limpics. Immediately I watched a German speed skater disqualified for two false starts. She trains for years and doesn't even get to skate. Sucks to be an O-limpian. 

I was hoping to catch something called the Biathlon Women's Pursuit tonight. That's really what it's called! Sounds like me for the two years following my divorce, except I never had skis or a gun. 

Biathlon just came on! Whoa, she just whipped a rifle off her back and started firing. Now there's at least fifteen women in spandex on skis lined up firing guns. I guess the "pursuit" is when they're all chasing after the one in front in the green tights? This is a bit nuts. 

It's a hectic scene. Why are they holding this event at night? No, I know it's not one am in Russia right now but it's actually dark where they are. Or this taped from nine hours ago?? They're all absolutely exhausted and lurching around on their skis with rifles on their backs. Looks like the green one from Belarus won, although right now she's curled up in a fetal position in the snow.

Apparently this race/hunt was 10K long. I've run my share of 10Ks and there's no way I could have stopped right in the middle and fired with any accuracy at a target. However I did once projectile vomit all over a race volunteer at the finish line. 

I witnessed history twice today. This afternoon I proudly announced, "Kids, we're going to watch the Olympics." As an image of women with brooms crouching on the ice materialized on the screen, I proudly announced "Kids, this is curling." Hey, it's the USA team! Unfortunately we were getting our pots clocked by the Brits. My entire family watched our national curlers give up seven points in a single end, which is kind of like allowing 25 runs in an inning. I screamed for mercy as my terrified children shuffled Legos around on the floor. 

Redemption arrived later when Erin Hamlin won the first ever US medal of any kind in any singles luge event. It was just a bronze, but she clearly had no chance against the Teutonic duo of Natalie Geisenberger and Tatjana Hüfner, luge's version of McGwire and Canseco. Let's hope it's not another 50 years before our men get something. 

They're back to speed skating again. This Zhang Hong has something going on. She races like a crazy red spider on the ice, then rips off her cap at the finish to reveal a strangely alluring face. I guess the cap wasn't covering her face, so maybe it's alluring hair she possesses. Is that even her name? My google search brought me a third century Han Dynasty warlord. I think it's time for bbed.   

Team Figure Skating

Romantic warriors

The first-ever Olympic Team Figure Skating event concluded yesterday, with the gold going to the Russian Federation. I guess showing the same stuff a few times works in gymnastics, so why not in skating too?

I shouldn't complain, since I'm strongly in favor of anything giving Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir more televised ice time. The 2010 Vancouver winter games took place a couple of weeks after my baby girl was born, and I distinctly remember thinking the Moir/Virtue ice dancing gold medal routine was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life. Well, one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen in my life.

This time around my mind was only partially fried, and the Canadian anges sur glace were once again mesmerizing. The judges opted for style over beauty and gave the top ice dancing score to the Americans. Maybe it wasn't style they favored, but it certainly wasn't beauty.

However, it was the Russian Federation team that earned gold all-around, largely on the tiny shoulders of Yulia Lipnitskaya. Her short routine on Saturday ended with a spin of such astonishing torque that she nearly drilled herself through the ice into the bowels of the Iceberg Skating Palace. The fact that her foot (w/skate) was contorted behind her head for the dizzying spin-finale pushed things into the absurd. Oh yeah, she drew a little heart on the ice as the music ended.

"Little Nikita" (I couldn't find a nickname for her anywhere except "кренделек," which I believe loosely translates into "spinning pretzel") put in another phenomenal performance on Sunday in the free skate portion of the event. She drew ire from many for choosing to skate to the theme from Schindler's List- I mean, couldn't she at least use "Love Theme from Schindler's List"?!!

Speaking of odd music choices, American bad girl Ashley Wagner skated to Pink Floyd's "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" for her short routine. NBC's commentators apparently found nothing strange about doing triple lutzes to an extended Dave Gilmour guitar solo, simply stating, "Well, she certainly is a crazy diamond."

COMING SOON: Women's curling, Men's biathlon