Masters of Reality

"100% fake." (her quote)

A totally stoned Arnold Poindexter once queried, "Would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilization or during its decline?" A not-quite-as-stoned Lee Mazzola now replies, "Both."

If you're already bitching about Mad Men or trying really hard to spread the word about Treme, you're pissing on the wrong tree. This Golden Age of TV we now live in allows us never to be disappointed in a show again... just watch something else! Including reruns (excluding on-demand and DVR, of course), I claim there are a minimum of fifteen things worth watching during prime time on a nightly basis (and that's just standard cable!).

Work of Art: The Next Great Artist (Bravo)
I neither watch nor care about the chef shows, but how many elimination- based contests actually judge entrants based on a creative product? A nice wet spot on Chad Johnson's sheets doesn't really count as a creative product, although I guess I'd have to see the actual stain to make a final decision.
Anyway, contestants on Work of Art must create a piece each week according to a given theme and time restraints. The artists range from dorky hipster painters to pretentious designers to headcase photographers to trainwreck sculptors, and every possible combination of the descriptions I just listed. Contestants' work is critiqued each week by irritating gallerists, smug art critics, loathesome "enthusiasts," and a variety of smarmy artists themselves. It should come as no surprise that the show is dorky, pretentious, irritating, smug... you get the picture. What's surprising to me is how fun it all is! Plus, the winner gets their own show at the Brooklyn Museum and $100,000 worth of magic markers. There's something fascinating about watching people create half-baked (not to mention totally rushed) original pieces as part of a competition. I haven't been this excited since the Vancouver Olympiad's opening ceremonies!

Jersey Shore (MTV)
Haters can go smush themselves, and the indifferent don't matter anyway. Get over yourself and enjoy something that's undeniably hilarious and just plain fun. At least show some R-E-S-P-E-C-T-T-T for JWowww, who makes Xena the Warrior Princess look like Dora the Explorer.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo)
I was a bit late turning on to this show and the Housewives thing in general. It's as if I'm hearing "Whole Lotta Love" having never heard Led Zeppelin before in my life; a bit embarassing but ultimately mind-blowing. To be honest, I got into RHNJ by way of Bethenny Getting Married?/RHNY, so it's more like discovering Zeppelin only after purchasing The Principle of Moments (hey, I'm sure it's happened to at least one person!). Either way, another masterpiece of stereotypes in the tradition of great American literature and film.

Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch (VH1)
One of the more bizarre programs you'll have the misfortune of watching. I'll just refer you to the "summary" provided on the actual VH1 website. Here's a little nibble (emphasis mine):

Just like in football, before you make the team you have to prove you rank high enough to make the rooster. So, before these woman get a chance to play in Ocho's tournament they are going to have to show him and a few of his NFL colleagues what they're made of in a mini tryout camp.

The show's math is even worse, as the harem has too many cincos and only a few ochos. Trainwreck TV.