Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Big Payback

I couldn't wait to get home tonight and provide y'all with coverage of LeBron's ballyhooed return to the Quicken Loans Arena.  Let's not forget that the worst decision of LBJ's charm-assed life was broken via live blog right here at Lee's Steez!

So I got Lee Jr. bathed and asleep by 7:55, which should've given me more than ample time (5 minutes) to get my shit together and set up in front of the old boober tuber.  Before I could even find the remote, things began to spiral out of control:
1) The Mz hadn't gotten our little 10-month angel down yet.  In fact, she was wide awake.
2) The Mz was going out drinking with her galpal from Texas.
3) As I thought about how the f**k I was going to get baby doll to sleep, she did a Tommy LaSorda and bonked her head on the hardwood floor.  Bloodcurdling screams followed.

Not to worry!  Being a pro, I had my daughter asleep 15 minutes later, thanks to a little something I like to call "pumped breast milk."  I finally got the game going, and quickly encountered the fourth problem:
4) This game is totally ridiculous.  Cleveland sucks!  Bill Simmons is out of his mind!

You do the math.  Take any Cavs game from last season, and subtract LeBron's points from their total.  Now add his points to the other team.  Cleveland loses every time!!!

More pathetic than the Cavaliers team are their blue-collar, tough-as-nails, salt-of-the-earth fans.  "BETRAYED" signs?  "QUEEN JAMES" t-shirts??!!  Their wife just dumped them and fucked the local Wal-Mart supervisor on national TV and this is the best they can do?!!!!  No wonder he left!  Actually, the best one was a quartet emblazoned with "Le", "B", "U", and "M" sitting in a row.  When the camera finally focused in on them, the "M" guy was slouched down and looking away (probably on his phone), so their message was read by millions as "LeBU"... Wait, an hour later they finally got it right!  LeBUM!  LeBUM!

Hey, I just realized that if Chris Bosh was still on Toronto, he'd be on the elite all-star team of guys that look like what their team is named after.  He looks exactly like a Raptor, or some sort of slender prehistoric reptile.  Other "Namesake" players: Kevin McHale, anyone on the 2001 Blazers... I'm not entirely sure what a "Cavalier" is, but Anderson Varejao might fit the bill.

Only real question here is who's gettin' gaffled and who's doin' the gafflin'?  Did LeBron James and the Heat walk into a psychological and emotional massacre?  Or are the Cleveland fans (of course, we're not actually talking about the Cavs here!) about to take another mega-punch to their collective gut?  Who's taking the hit here?

As always, the answer is US.  We're the stupid asses that buy into this manufactured TNT "drama" again and again.  They're showing clips from the Reggie Miller vs. Knicks/Spike Lee series, leading us to believe that another battle of epic proportions is under way here in Cleveland.  Please!!!  The "choke" wars were actually spawned by exciting basketball, not money and backstabbing.  Wow, things have really gone downhill in this league.


Michael said...

I ain't NEVER got gaffled like that

I used to do the gafflin'

MACK-Donald's was my spot...

slimgilla said...

I like your math comment. Now it all makes sense! Thanks for the insight Lee.