Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Braun 790cc Pulsonic shaver (part 1)

I'm not exactly sure why I started shaving with an electric razor at a young age. In fact, I honestly can't remember ever using an actual blade razor at all (except a trip when my old Braun got jacked out of my luggage in Ft. Lauderdale, forcing me to mutilate my face to comic proportions with a shit razor I bought at a gift shop).

What is it that makes about 30% of men choose an electric shave? I think it has a lot more to do with DNA than grooming styles-- it's passed down like attached earlobes and an inability to correctly pronounce the word "tarpaulin." It's possible that I never stood a chance.

Either way, I've been a happy buzzer for about twenty years now. I absolutely loved my last Braun 7505 model until the switch got stuck in the ON position at 11:00 at night on a weeknight. I had to let the fucking thing just run out its charge in the back of our apartment, wrapped up in a towel but still jerking and humming like a robotic armadillo. A tragic way to watch something you love pass away.

You know what? Let's give my 7505 a proper burial here... I share with you my top personal electric shaver moments:
1. Poughkeepsie, NY - A day or two before my graduation from college, we decided to have a little party at our apartment. I guess we got started a bit early; I was completely shitfaced by 4pm for our evening affair. I vaguely remember assembling bottles of Absolut, Jim Beam, Tangueray, and Bacardi together on a table, exclaiming, "ALL-STAR TEAM!!! FUCKING ALL-STAR TEAM!!!"
I disappeared for a little while, and re-emerged horrifyingly drunk just as our guests were arriving (including my own thin ice girlfriend). I guess I figured I had a little time to get ready before the big crowds showed up, so I strarted shaving right out in plain sight, staggering all around the apartment. My "shave" consisted of random stripes across my face, each of different direction and depth. Think crop circles.
I fell down the back stairs of our apartment and popped a nasty black eye just in time for my parents' proud arrival for their son's graduation.

2. Irving Plaza, NYC - My band was opening for Teenage Fanclub and Yo La Tengo, and possibly in the midst of a tour. I was hanging out in the common area dressing room with random leeches and indie rockers, including Yo La's own Ira and Georgia. In the middle of moderate-level conversation, a faint buzzing sound became audible in the corner of the room. There were bags and cases all over the joint, so nobody knew where the fuck it was coming from. Every few minutes, Ira would pipe in with a "You guys hear that sound over there?" and nobody seemed to give a crap. After about ten minutes I realized that it was my trusty Braun humming away in my road bag. I excused myself and came back when the coast was clear and switched off the noisy little bugger.

3. LaGuardia Aiport runway, NYC - In an eerie twist on the Irving Plaza incident, my wife was discretely summoned to the front of our ready-for-takeoff plane to Oklahoma City by a crew member and quizzed about the contents of her bag. I had no idea what was going on, so after a few minutes I went to the cockpit area and asked what the hell was going on. Apparently my wife's bag was vibrating (!) in the stowing area and required immediate attention. I defused the situation by explaining that my razor sometimes gets switched on, blah blah blah, sorry, I'll make sure it doesn't happen again, blah blah...

I have a pretty good story about an old housemate of mine too, but I'd rather not revisit that one at this time.

So, what about the Braun 790cc Pulsonic shaver? More on that in part 2... 

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