South in Ya Mouth (part 2)

We got out of Memphis as early as humanly possible-- about 9AM Central time. I had a rough idea of how to get to Springfield, MO (40 to something to something...) but no functional map. Since Mz. was keeping Jr. occupied and out of trouble, I only had a semi-functional navigator.

I missed my very first exit off of 40 about 20 minutes into the trip. Not a big deal, but missing the first exit always seems to cast a pall on a road trip. There were McD-style stops at every exit, so I wasn't real worried about finding a good place to make our first stop.

We didn't see a whole lot for quite a while. The speed limit kept getting lower, and so did the quality of our roadside options. When you're travelling with a toddler, shit like "Jimbo's Good Eats" just doesn't have the same appeal as it might on other road trips. We wanted cookie-cutter corporate chain stops with paved parking lots, diaper decks and whole fucking milk.

We began seeing little town signs with even littler populations (<1000).>

- a large sign with a grotesque caricature of President Obama in a turban, titled "Barack HUSSEIN Obama", followed by a list of things we can expect more of (abortion, same-sex marriages, gun control, taxes). [does anyone really think that gay marriage could possibly be correlated with a rise in abortions?]
- a store called "Lazy Lee's" featuring a Subway counter and at least 15 men smoking their brains out while eating $5 foot-longs. I had to whisk Jr out of there after about 4 seconds.
- a gas station called "Rebel Gas" completely covered with confederate flags and horrifying slogans.

I took an uncalculated risk and decided to boycott Rebel Gas, even though we had about 1/16 of a tank left (if you know me, you know I never go below even a quarter tank). As I proclaimed my refusal, my wife darted into Rebel Gas to buy milk for the boy. Dozens of nightmarish visions flew through my mind, some involving white hoods and others involving my Giants tee I was unfortunately wearing. I didn't even snap a picture of the insane storefront for fear of lynching, and tried not to spin my tires on the gravel as we fled.

Things started getting better real soon. We hit roads called Bill Virdon Blvd and Preacher Roe Expwy and we just felt plain safe (Lou Brock Lane woulda helped even more, but...). I didn't pay much attention to the throbbing itch on my right forearm as we pulled in to my brother-in-law's driveway after about a six hour drive.

Our nieces were in some sort of gymnastics exhibition ten minutes after we arrived, so I let the rest of the clan go ahead and stayed back with Jr. They had a rec-room-style area in the basement with cool seats on the floor, and we chilled like pills.

The lump on my arm had swollen to about an inch's hemispherical radius. My first thought was "bee sting" but I soon progressed to "scorpion sting" and "snake bite". It honestly didn't hurt that much, but looked like something out of a Cronenberg flick. Five days later and it's just starting to look normal. Probably a weird spider bite, but who knows?

Oh yeah, we watched a hilarious DVD. Taken is the story of a superhuman ex-spy trying to rescue his enslaved daughter. Except, er, it stars Liam Neeson. Never before has Neezy fit his "poor man's Harrison Ford" title than here. It's too absurd to even discuss here, but it did inspire me to compile a quick Top 5 Liam Neeson roles list:

1. Peyton Westlake, Darkman
2. Michael Gates, Husbands and Wives
3. Capt. Mikhail Polenin, K-19: The Widowmaker
4. Dr. Jerry Lovell, Nell
5. Oskar Schindler, Schindler's List
(apparently Abraham Lincoln, "Hannibal" from the A-Team, and Zeus are among his upcoming characters for 2009-2010)

We had fun in MO with good cookouts, Chuck E Cheese, and crappy baseball (Yanks 0-3 and completely inept Cards-Cubs and Sox-Royals games on TV). Our drive back to Memphis was uneventful (we took a bypass road around the Rebel Gas town) except for a hilarious bonus on our way out of Springfield. We hit an insanely crowded McDonald's drive-thru (two lanes!) for two breakfast sandwiches. I pulled up to pay and was told by two wholesome blond girls that "the last customer paid for y'all's breakfast." I quizzically asked, "Like, by accident?" and they replied, "Well, some people just pay for the next customer as a nice thing to do" and gave a couple of nice smiles. I gave a nice smile right back and drove off with our Mcsandwiches.

(click for part 3)