Ass-whuppin’

I'm glad the Knicks are preparing for the big showdown this weekend against the Suns...

The Knicks are on their way to delivering one of the most disgraceful hardwood performances of all time. The third quarter just ended, and the Celtics are up 82-41. Nope, nothing wrong with my keyboard. 82 to fucking 41.

This could be the best thing to happen to the Knicks since they started putting those pretzel rods in the beers at the Garden. They (1) talked total trash about this game ("Celts are overrated, no depth, blah blah blah"), then (2) get absolutely annihilated, and finally (3) Isiah is sent packing. We can only hope we get to step (3)-- (1) and (2) have already happened in green spades.

Isiah said this was "the most selfish performance I've ever seen" at halftime. Dunno, but doesn't "selfish" hint that the Knicks were actually accomplishing something? Selfish people keep things for themselves-- they don't just piss it all down the drain! Not only that, but selfish people actually have something to begin with... the Knicks are easily the most pathetic team in the NBA, and easily spend the most money. Isiah should have called it the most "selfless" performance he's seen.

If Phoenix doesn't beat us on Sunday, I'm officially calling Pete and the rest of the state of Arizona a bunch of pathetic losers.

Bonus bonanza

Nice job, Knicks. Lookin' like the early November team that roared to a 2-1 start to the season. They looked like they were having fun out there, even when they were rolling around on the floor or chucking the ball into the stands.

Actually, I wasn't watching the game closely at all. My buddy came over and transferred a bunch of my old ADAT master tapes onto his computer. God bless his soul.Those old ADAT machines are hilarious. These things were "state of the art" at one point. They sound like an MRI machine, and give you the feeling that you're about to watch an old VHS tape on your clunky old VCR. Wait, you are putting an old VHS tape into a clunky old VCR...

In other news, stAy-Rod has agreed to a "marketing package" that gives him $6M every time he reaches a home run plateau: 660, 714, 755, 762 and 763+. Hell, why not throw in some other bonuses into the package?

Prime Time: A-Rod gets $(p x 1000) for every "prime plateau" he hits for the next 10 years. So, at 521 HR he gets a $521,000 bonus, at 523 $523,000, at 541 $541,000, and so forth up to 761, 769, etc.He also gets a bonus for wearing the prime number 13 on his back, and for managing only 7 hits in the last 3 seasons worth of playoff games.

Art-Rod: The Yankees must continue their tradition of honoring Alex with a new piece of "art" for each of the above milestones. Maybe an enormous piece of twisted sheet metal by Richard Serra would be appropriate for 714? (just don't drop it this time!)

A-Bombed for A-Rod: Every Yankee fan gets a personal "A-Rod number" based on the last 3 digits of their social security number. If he hits a dinger corresponding with a fan's AR#, that fan drinks for free for the rest of that game (even after the 7th inning cutoff). The lucky fan(s) also automatically becomes Bud Fan of the Game. The man would never be booed again. I'll be eligible for my drunken mess of a game sometime halfway through the 2010 season or so.

This one’s for Pete…

Finally, something that might actually be fun! All aboard, PJ!

I don't like the Suns. First I thought it was Skeevy Nash-- something about that guy bugs me. He reminds me of Moocher on the Cutters cycling team in Breaking Away, except that Nash is really good (like Kelly from Bad News Bears). Nash is that guy who just shows up at your pickup 3-on-3 and kicks everyone's ass, and then tells you he's mainly a soccer player.

Something Pete said brought me closer to the root of my dislike for all things Phoenix-- goddamn 2001. One of the more disturbing experiences of my sports fan career-- right up there with the aforementioned Knick debacle of '97 and the morbid horror of October '04. And yes-- I'll abuse double hyphens whenever I damn please.

I'll be rooting for the Nuggets or Hornets this year. If the Hornets (or Sonics!) find a way to really move to OKC, I just might follow them there. Preferably the Hornets.

Boras the spider

When it comes to the Yanks, my new motto is "let's move on." We lost in 4 to the Indians? Let's move on. Torre got screwed? Let's move on.

I think I'm ready to move on with A-Rod, too. Scott Boras is a goddamn asshole. Here he goes:

"Without Pettitte, Rivera and Posada, it's not the same team," CNNMoney.com quoted Boras as saying. "He's held accountable for being on a playoff team and winning in the playoffs."

In other words, how can A-Rod possibly function here in New York with all the recent tumult? How can we expect A-Rod to deliver in the post-season with so much up in the air?

7 for 44 with 1 RBI in the last three years? That's gonna be mighty tough to reproduce without the old gang around. Wait a sec, unless... A-Rod actually stepped up and filled the hole left by the leaving vets himself!!?? That might be worth a few million!

Pass the popcorn!

What a day for bizarre sports headlines!! A-Rod bucks the system and crawls back to New York?! Marbury responds to a $200K fine by threatening to bring down an already disgraced Isiah Thomas?! The PGA Tour is starting a super-strict drug-testing program?!

Sorry, but nothing tops Phil Jackson's postgame comment following the Laker loss in San Antonio last night:

"We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts."

Huh? What the hell is he talking about? Did I miss something?

Maybe Isiah should take a poke at some quotes like that after a hard Knick loss:

"We call this a 'Summer of Sam' game, because five or so New Yorkers were brutally murdered."

"We call this a 'Grapes of Wrath' game, because a trip to the West coast left us impoverished and humiliated."

"We call this a 'Gigli' game, because the crowd wouldn't stop booing and jeering."

"We call this an 'Into the Wild' game, because our star dropped out of sight somewhere in Arizona."

"We call this a '2001: A Space Odyssey' game, because we had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on five minutes before it ended."

Steph skips Suns

Seems I'm only able to muster up a post about the Knicks during the game, or before they actually lose. The Miami and Orlando games were depressing, and this west coast "swing" looks to be a hell of a lot worse.

Tonight's is the worst Knick lineup I've seen in a long time. Crawford-Collins-Curry-Lee-Jones? Fred fucking Jones?

This is what happens when Marbury flies the coop and Z takes a seat. It's a stark (ouch) reminder of just how awful this team can be if just a couple of things go wrong. At full strength, they're somewhat competitivem, at best, against mediocre teams. At anything less than full strength, they're potentially horrific. Kinda like a can of Bud Light-- ice cold it can be swell, but warm it's a nightmare.

As bad as they look, they're managing to keep the deficit just above double digits against the Suns tonight. It's 63-51 with seconds left in the first half. My official prediction: Suns 119-104.

Greetings from the Garden!

I've pretty much watched every game so far-- just been too busy to check in. I must admit that I kinda like what I see.

1) Finally, J.C. gets some real playing time. Dammit, the guy's pretty good. He'll have a few AWFUL games here and there, but he'll easily lead the team in scoring.
2) I think I like Zach quite a bit. No, I'm not a cast member of "Saved by the Bell."
3) I'm already sick of Little Man Nate.

In other words, I'm glad the biggest news about the Knicks these days is basketball! A total nightmare of an off-season is now merely a potential nightmare. I'll take it.

Oops, they just lost a stinker to the Magic. This game followed the same script as 95% of all Knick games:

Act I- "Hey, they don't look THAT bad..."
Act II- "Jeez, they actually look pretty damn good!"
Act III- "What the hell are they doing??!!"
Act IV- "Shit, we actually had a chance to win this one..."

Note that the "acts" don't necessarily correspond to game quarters, but they often do. In fact, the only deviations from the above script are (1) The Blowout: skip Acts I, II and IV, and (2) The Victory: replace Act IV with "Holy shit, we actually won that one!"

I'm gonna hang in there with these guys this year. They may be a disaster, but at least we know what we're in for. Kinda like driving on the NJ Turnpike on a Sunday night.