Knicks-Celtics / Yanks-Rangers Live Blog!!!

6:46 - As soon as I get Jr. to bed, I'm on it!!!

7:46 - One hour later, and tied 28-28. Jr.'s asleep but Lil Mz is roaming the living room virtually unsupervised. Good enough.

7:57 - Figured I'd try typing with my 14-month-old daughter on my lap. My laptop immediately went to a terrifying black screen, with a garish font warning something about system reboot. Children under the age of two have an uncanny ability to make computers (and other electronic devices, particularly cell phones) do things they've never been seen to do. Lee Jr. once caused my screen to rotate 90 degrees with the strike of a single key, which was harder than you might think to fix. I had my head and spine orthogonal as I tried to make corresponding moves with my mouse, which I was terrible at.
I can barely pick my nose properly while looking in the mirror-- something is seriously wrong with my brain's ability to reflect images.

8:08 - Pretty good so far. Bounces and calls seem to be going our way for the most part, and no one's broken their leg(s) yet. We have a chance.

8:09 - I really thought about postponing the boy's bedtime and having him watch the game with me on the couch. You know, a real "father-son" moment. Or something like a farmer taking his boy out to see the slaughtering of chickens ("geeking") as a rite of passage; maybe even the equivalent of the Maasai Eunoto ceremony, where pubescent warriors eat raw oxen flesh as they are promoted to the ranks of full tribesmen.

---(MID-THIRD QUARTER)... JR. HAS HORRIBLE HONKING COUGH FIT AND NEEDS TV TO RE-OPEN WINDPIPE... "MAX AND RUBY: EASTER" AND "MAX AND RUBY: PARADE" ARE ON-DEMANDED ARE WATCHED TWICE EACH FOR A TOTAL OF 96 MINUTES OF AIR TIME... REMAINDER OF KNICKS-CELTICS MISSED COMPLETELY, WITH MINIMAL ACCESS TO BLACKBERRY SCOREMOBILE... LAST 21 SECONDS OF GAME TAKE AT LEAST 10 MINUTES OF FROZEN SCREEN TIME... MISSED REMAINDER OF YANKEE GAME AS WELL...

Can someone tell me why the fuck i even bother writing about this bullshit?!! Anyone?!!!

Pistons 99, Knicks 95

People have been asking me, "Lee, why don't you write about the Knicks anymore?" Well, they really say, "Lee, you asshole, why don't you write ANYTHING anymore??!!!" but that's besides the point. Let's talk about the Knicks.

Truth is, I'm terrified. Every time I turn on MSG when the Knicks are on, they immediately go stone cold and disappear into a 12-2 run by the opponent. Seriously, at least 80% of the time. I fear my beloved team have become Eurydice to my Orpheus, punishing my lack of faith with eternal misery.

Upon further reflection, I realize that this is not a new phenomenon. The Knicks have sucked as soon as I turn on the TV for the last 10+ years! Forget the Greek myths, this is like saying, "Wow, I looked out the window at midnight tonight and it was dark out!" It's just that now the Knicks are sort of good again, I think. Maybe.

SEE???!!! They were up by about ten when I turned it on tonight, and they just lost the damn game to the Pistons. O Knicks! Return thy selves to the Erinyes and Hades himself, for you my gaze shall ne'er find!!!

The Big Payback

I couldn't wait to get home tonight and provide y'all with coverage of LeBron's ballyhooed return to the Quicken Loans Arena.  Let's not forget that the worst decision of LBJ's charm-assed life was broken via live blog right here at Lee's Steez!

So I got Lee Jr. bathed and asleep by 7:55, which should've given me more than ample time (5 minutes) to get my shit together and set up in front of the old boober tuber.  Before I could even find the remote, things began to spiral out of control:
1) The Mz hadn't gotten our little 10-month angel down yet.  In fact, she was wide awake.
2) The Mz was going out drinking with her galpal from Texas.
3) As I thought about how the f**k I was going to get baby doll to sleep, she did a Tommy LaSorda and bonked her head on the hardwood floor.  Bloodcurdling screams followed.

Not to worry!  Being a pro, I had my daughter asleep 15 minutes later, thanks to a little something I like to call "pumped breast milk."  I finally got the game going, and quickly encountered the fourth problem:
4) This game is totally ridiculous.  Cleveland sucks!  Bill Simmons is out of his mind!

You do the math.  Take any Cavs game from last season, and subtract LeBron's points from their total.  Now add his points to the other team.  Cleveland loses every time!!!

More pathetic than the Cavaliers team are their blue-collar, tough-as-nails, salt-of-the-earth fans.  "BETRAYED" signs?  "QUEEN JAMES" t-shirts??!!  Their wife just dumped them and fucked the local Wal-Mart supervisor on national TV and this is the best they can do?!!!!  No wonder he left!  Actually, the best one was a quartet emblazoned with "Le", "B", "U", and "M" sitting in a row.  When the camera finally focused in on them, the "M" guy was slouched down and looking away (probably on his phone), so their message was read by millions as "LeBU"... Wait, an hour later they finally got it right!  LeBUM!  LeBUM!

Hey, I just realized that if Chris Bosh was still on Toronto, he'd be on the elite all-star team of guys that look like what their team is named after.  He looks exactly like a Raptor, or some sort of slender prehistoric reptile.  Other "Namesake" players: Kevin McHale, anyone on the 2001 Blazers... I'm not entirely sure what a "Cavalier" is, but Anderson Varejao might fit the bill.

Only real question here is who's gettin' gaffled and who's doin' the gafflin'?  Did LeBron James and the Heat walk into a psychological and emotional massacre?  Or are the Cleveland fans (of course, we're not actually talking about the Cavs here!) about to take another mega-punch to their collective gut?  Who's taking the hit here?

As always, the answer is US.  We're the stupid asses that buy into this manufactured TNT "drama" again and again.  They're showing clips from the Reggie Miller vs. Knicks/Spike Lee series, leading us to believe that another battle of epic proportions is under way here in Cleveland.  Please!!!  The "choke" wars were actually spawned by exciting basketball, not money and backstabbing.  Wow, things have really gone downhill in this league.

He's baaaack...

Just when you think good ol' Isiah might disappear for good, he comes back better than ever. He's already scheming his return to the top of the Knicks "organization." Check out these (real!) quotes from his ESPN interview:

"I want to be on the float and I want to get my ring," Thomas said.
A ring around his bathtub?

"I'll put my draft evaluation record up against anyone's."
???

"In Toronto, Indiana and New York," Thomas said, "I've never actually gotten fired for a basketball reason."
My .456 career record as a head coach speaks for itself.

"Six or seven [NBA] teams I advise," said Thomas, who included the Knicks in that group. "I don't get paid for it."
I also advise President Obama, Dick Clark, and Santa Claus. I just don't get paid for it.

"I was below the poverty line," he said. "I swear to you I never thought I would see 20 years old."
Or 20 wins in one season!

"But I wasn't there. I wasn't her [Anucha Browne Sanders's] boss. She didn't report to me. I worked in Westchester, she worked in Manhattan. I would say hello to her at the games..."
Hello dolly!

"That's a problem with being a visionary," Thomas said. "You're way too far out, and by the time it catches up, people will hack you to death."
Hold on, are we talking about being a visionary or ODing on Lunesta?

"Chuck Daly begged me not to take the Knick job," Thomas said. "He said, 'You can't fix it. You'll probably fix it for somebody else.'"
We all begged you not to take the job!

"I do find it ironic that we all ended up here in Miami instead of us all ending up in New York," Thomas said. "But it's a four-year deal."
Who's "we?" You, Snooki and Vinny?

Knicks 120, Bulls 112

Wow, I'm actually sitting here at home and WATCHING THE KNICKS!!! I'm so happy that my aching balls don't even matter. I'm relaxing and watching the Knicks.

I was all set to watch 'em the other night, and the game was actually cancelled due to an asbestos hazard at MSG. Jeez, can these jerks do anything right? Utter ineptitude.

This is what I consider to be an ideal Knick game. They're up by 15 with less than six minutes to go... perfect!!! Chances are about 50/50 they win or blow it, which equals absolute excitement in my book. Sort of like turning on a Mets game with NYM up four runs in the 7th inning... this is gonna be good!

Shaw 'nuff, we're down to single-digit lead with about three minutes left. I got a single digit for ya, ref!

They usually win these kinds of games, but it ALWAYS goes down to the wire. But maybe things are different now... these are the no-luck no-look don't-look "new-look" Knicks we're talking about here. Definitely a new look to me-- I don't even know who some of these guys are! When Danilo Gallinari is the most famiiiar guy on the team, you know something's weird.

Well, looks like they're holding the lead. This Knick team might crawl out from under the curse of the new millenium, but they have the personality of a moving company. At least they'll win a few more games this way.

Foot, this is Mouth.

Some of my favorite "misspoken" gems from this summer:

Tim McCarver on Yankees' treatment of Joe Torre.

Dwyane Wade on Miami Heat hype.

Dr. Laura on, umm, race.

Hey, at least they're all sorry.

The Decision

8:53 - Folks, I'll admit I'm a little excited about this. I just turned the TV on and quickly found the hilarious info blurb about tonight's program on ESPN: "LeBron James announces whether he'll stay with the Cavaliers or go to another NBA team." This is absolutely the most informative and factually correct INFO box Time Warner Cable has provided since we re-subscribed to cable.

8:58 - This is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever seen in my life. Jeez! They just showed the election-style map with the current polls, and Miami leads with 42%. Knicks are at 15% and the Nets aren't even on the map.

9:00 - Nice fucking shirt, LeBron! Seriously. I like that party shirt!

9:01 - Is James Earl Jones narrating this thing? Wait a sec, the show just started, and it's the exact same bunch of nimwits sitting around (Wilbon, Stuart Scott, one of the Barrys, some other moron)! A seamless transition from nothing to nothing.

9:04 - Wow, the Nets really are out of this? Hey, at least they just picked up Travis Outlaw!

9:05 - They're showing a video montage designed to convince us that LeBron is "the most coveted prize in this year's free agent class." No shit!!! Is there a Josh Childress Decision airing on TBS tonight that I didn't know about? I'm two seconds away from switching to Bethenny Getting Married? for Pete's sake!

9:10 - I was kinda hoping they might play "Heroin" in the background: "I have made... very big decision..."

9:14 - At 8:00 AM EST tomorrow morning, I'll announce whether I'm serving Lee Jr. a waffle, a bowl of oatmeal, or possibly yogurt.

9:17 - Yes!!! The Knicks have climbed to 15%!!!

9:18 - OK, let's be serious for a minute. This is total bullshit and insulting to sports fans of all kinds. I propose a boycott of ESPN and the NBA (unless he picks the Knicks) for this offensive charade. I'm not kidding. I'm never watching Sunday Night Baseball again.

9:22 - I can't believe they haven't played "Split Decision" by the Crowes yet! That's a slam dunk, right?

9:23 - Here we go, the actual interview. The word "process" was just used five eight nine ten eleven times in 20 30 40 seconds.

9:26 - "Decision" is gaining on "process" as of ten seconds ago. I'll keep you posted.

9:27 - FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm such a stupid idiot. Really.