T is for Trip Shakespeare

"You will find a weapon..."

Talking Heads - More Songs About Buildings and Food (1978)

Not the one most people pick, which (I can't deny) makes me like it even more. I like the fact that it still sounds like a live band, except we've got Eno floating around overhead. He's kind of just observing, but occasionally breathes a cloud of synth-mist when he deems it appropriate.
These guys were absolutely ahead of their time, but also very much in their time.

Talking Heads - Remain in Light (1980)
So fucking good... This is the one topping most lists. Hotshots galore (Belew, Nona Hendryx, Jon Hassell, Robert Palmer (!)), but that's just fine. A party album for wiseass dorks, but also a dark sonic tunnel for dopeheads. James Murphy was listening.

Teenage Fanclub - A Catholic Education (1990)
Not the one most people pick, which (I can't deny) has gotten me into more than a few ridiculous fights. "Everything Flows" is the best and most important song of '90s indie rock. Period.
I never thought of this as a pop record, despite coming from indie pop's "next big thing." When this record came out, I was blissfully slogging around in the sludgy morass of the day: anything from Seattle, Ragged Glory, Goo, as well as MBV, Ride, etc. The murkier the better.
"Everything Flows" emerged from the swamp like a beast of enlightenment, still a creature of the mud but clearly headed somewhere better. It also carried an entire album on its back, giving brilliant context to a collection of occasionally very good songs. We listen to the rest of A Catholic Education to reconcile our silly lives with the opening track.

Teenage Fanclub - Bandwagonesque (1991)
I popped in an advance cassette of this album sometime early in the fall of '91.
I was amongst friends and fans (not of me, of music), and sat seething in my chair as the pretty outro of "The Concept" slowly faded away. I then took the tape out and threw it across the room (did I really do that? not exactly sure) in disgust. What the fuck were the Fanclub doing? I proclaimed their new album to be "worse than The King" and drank myself stupid (did I really do that? probably). I even suggested that we were being duped by yet another throwaway album, and that the "real" new Teenage Fanclub record is still out there somewhere.
I eventually calmed down and learned that Bandwagonesque was almost perfect (except for the first two songs, since I still can't listen to "The Concept" with a straight mind). "I Don't Know" and "Star Sign" are all-time greats, and "Alcoholiday" became a life-anthem for my tightest group of friends at the time, albeit in a slightly revised form ("We've got nothin', let's drink tussin...").

Television - Marquee Moon (1977)
I was kinda young when I bought this one, and scrambled for reference points when I first heard it. I was certainly no stranger to guitar records, but this was from another universe. I was still under the impression that the Allmans Fillmore stuff was as far as two guitars could go, and the title track changed my mind. Funny, "Marquee Moon" and "You Don't Love Me" are more similar than anyone might imagine.

Richard & Linda Thompson - Shoot Out the Lights (1982)
I bought the cassette of Across a Crowded Room right when it came out, after seeing the video for "When the Spell is Broken" (great fucking song). I wanted more, and some quick research (a book!) led me to Shoot Out the Lights. Blown away, I vowed never to buy another Dire Straits record after Brothers In Arms, which I had just bought.


Tortoise - Millions Now Living Will Never Die (1996)This is as much clean fun as one can possibly have with a clear conscience while listening to absurd math/post-rock from Chicago. I used to pronounce the pastiched masterpiece opening track ("Djed") as "JED" but with a slight hint of the D, kind of like DJIBOUTI. I am an idiot.

Trip Shakespeare - Are You Shakespearienced? (1989)
This was the unanimous theme of a life-changing summer voyage seven of us took to the largest state in the union. Most people don't really like this record, let alone love it like I always will. Guess you had to be there.

Pete Townshend - Empty Glass (1980)
I listened to this one on headphones on an early '80s family trip to California. Hearing "I Am an Animal" while driving up the coast was a profoundly formative experience, both musically and personally. Great songs, exquisite musicianship, and Pete's arrival as a vocalist. Oh yeah, the terrifying baring of a pained human soul as well.

A Tribe Called Quest - The Low End Theory (1991)
It wasn't exactly a challenge to find a great rap record in 1991, but this one slammed like an upright bass over the back of your head. Not many got the "jazz" thing right in '90s hip-hop, and these guys nailed it down first and best.
Me and the "Alcoholiday" crew I referenced earlier blew the roof off a party in Providence with this joint. Our band had just moved to town, and we were slowly getting to know the local scenesters. We were finally invited to a party, and decided to bring this CD along with a few 40s. Not exactly revolutionary from our parts, but our party hosts eyed our entrance as if we'd walked in with Uzis and a pitbull.
What happened? Whaddya think-- we rocked the house, met some ladyfriends, and I think I walked home in the snow at six-in-tha-moooornin'.

S is for Stinking Lizaveta



Oh Canada!!!



This is getting ridiculous... I have way too many "S" albums. How 'bout I just pick ten of 'em?

Wait! Check out this hilarious Saga "coupon" that came with my remastered CD of Worlds Apart! Can you imagine collecting 10 different Saga coupons?!! That would mean buying 10 different Saga albums.

So instead of ten Saga albums, here's ten great albums. No coupons, but I'll personally guarantee each one:





DJ Shadow - The Private Press (2002)
Maybe Endtroducing... is the better record, but I've listened to this one a lot more. Along with N*E*R*D's In Search Of..., some codeine and a few Ambiens, I made The Private Press an integral part of my "Shot Nights" in the wonderful summer of 2002. Both records seemed to magically change over the last few tracks (hmm...) and always mellowed me out (aaahhh...). Still waiting for Shadow to come back to Earth and make some great records again.

Sonny Sharrock - Ask The Ages (1991)
Beautiful, terrifying, and not the best record to spin when you're trying to get laid. Let's leave it at that.

Paul Simon - Greatest Hits, Etc. (1977)
I thought this was about the coolest record I'd ever seen when I was a kid. Something about the soothing browns, the nice font with all the musicians on every song, and the amazing opening track that made me love it. I had no idea what Tony Levin or Steve Gadd even looked like at this point (thankfully), but I knew they were cool for sure.
My grandmother was a piano teacher at Manhattan School of Music, but didn't know diddly about 70s modern pop/rock. That didn't stop her from gently banging out tunes from the Greatest Hits, Etc. songbook while I tried to sing like Paulie. She even thought a few of the tunes were pretty good, but I can't remember which ones.


Slayer - Reign In Blood (1986)
A strong candidate for the greatest record ever made. Name me another album that features a band tearing apart a six-pack of Stella Artois on the back cover. Oh, you actually found another one?! Now try to tell me it's better than Reign In Blood.


Sly - There's a Riot Goin' On (1971)
Sometimes it's annoying when a really depressing record is hailed a masterpiece because it's so depressing, right? I never found this one even remotely depressing, which is probably why I'm not a successful music critic. I boogied my cracker ass off listening to this masterpiece on a cassette Walkman next to some god-forsaken river in Alaska after drinking a full bottle of cough syrup for the first time... how's that for depressing?!


Bruce Springsteen - Tunnel of Love (1987)
This one's absolutely perfect. If I ever made a record this good I'd probably eat a live raccoon and puke in my pants. Five, count 'em, five hit singles!


Spoon - A Series of Sneaks (1998)
ialreadywroteaboutthisone

Squeeze - Singles 45's and Under (1982)
When's the last time you listened to this whole thing start to finish? Do it and report back to me, please.

Steely Dan - The Royal Scam (1976)
Yeah, yeah, fucking Aja, blah blah, Can't Buy A Thrill, yeah, yeah, I love 'em all. But this one has "Kid Charlemagne" and "Green Earrings" on it.

The Stooges - Fun House (1970)
Me and my buddy Kong woke up on the floor in the early morning after a house party in Westchester, and immediately started drinking the leftover beer. We cranked Fun House and started stumbling/slamming into each other, infuriating dozens of hungover former friends. Punk rock.

R is for Red Hot Chili Peppers

"Lee, why don't you write any more?"


County Fair, Watertown, NY

Well, I ran out of drugs. I can't write for shit unless I'm a little tickled under the old hood, y'know? Wish it wasn't true, but it is. I've never written a decent song without a little help from me frenz, and same goes for whatever they call this sort of baloney. Anyway...

I don't like Radiohead at all. I hated "Creep" and never gave the poor blokes a fair shake from then on. I'm more than willing to classify them as a good band, but I just don't like them. I've called OK Computer a piece of shit at least a hundred times, and I meant it every time.

That's what's so great about music (and movies, TV, sports, and most other things), right? We can hate stuff that we know is "good" and not look like complete idiots. This is what separates us from primates and computers, from what I understand.

That said, Raekwon's Only Built 4 Cuban Linx is one of the very best records of the '90s. I couldn't wait for this one to arrive back in 1995, and I was lucky enough to snag a CD promo of "Criminology"/"Glaciers of Ice" a bit early. This single kicked my faggotty ass in such a profound way that I'm still in artists' therapy. The A-side is like nothing I've heard before or since-- way off the map in every which way.

"Criminology" opens with standard Sosa/Montana shit, soon followed by a musical stampede of elephants and rhinoceroses. The majestic chorus of horns and drums brings us to late 19th century Africa, something like a Mingus interpretation of the ivory trade. Before we can say "pith hat" we're rudely shifted into a completely different world for the first verse.

Rae's hilarious "Julio Iglesias" scat provides little comfort, as a stark, tubularly metallic riff ("Hell's xylophone," I originally dubbed it) threatens to suck out our souls. Imagine an Escher-style escalator with razor blades for steps, and you're getting warmer (meaning colder). Dorothy, we're not in the Belgian Congo anymore. Ghostface reacts appropriately with a ferocious verse that I'm not sure I understand, which is more than fine with me.

But the quick fade from Africa to Hell reveals the true horror of this track: the underlying drum track. The elephant stampede beat is solid as a rock, but the escalator beat staggers along like a three-legged baby okapi. It's downright pathetic. RZA made sure the kick don't quite fall on the one, and the snare most definitely misses the three. This beat's certainly not safari-worthy, and might not even make it down the driveway to pick up the mail.

The elephants return when Ghost finishes, but seconds later they're gone. Rae's verse kicks in, with enough classic lines to generate an entire Mobb Deep album's worth of choruses. By now we're settling in somewhat, resigned to the back-and-forth between stampedes and verses. We're gonna make it!

Unfortunately, there is no third chorus. Instead, RZA makes one of the more profane arranger/producer decisions since Todd Rundgren's A Wizard, A True Star: he actually "gives the drummer some." Problem is, he goes with the crippled okapi drummer instead of the elephants! This guy can't even see straight, let alone get people on the dance floor. Yes, the first single off Raekwon's debut album contains a drum solo. Too bad his kick drum's flamming like an old sneaker and his snare sounds like a box of cereal.

The track mercifully starts winding down at around 3:10, reaching some sort of musical resolution. All track elements are reunited for the fadeout, as the stampede of horns charges side by side with the metallic nightmare and disabled drummer, who throws in some fancy syncopation with two seconds left... certainly too little, too late.

Don't even get me started on "Glaciers of Ice."

Wanna sound like an idiot? Tell people that you like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I mean, tell your hipster "music" friends you like 'em or even just liked 'em. With few exceptions, you'll be kicked out of the conversation or abandoned completely.

Like Phil Collins, the Chili Peppers have dug their own undeserved grave. I suppose one might say they deserve the grave because they chose to dig it themselves, but in truth the plot was already reserved for them long before they broke ground. In other words, they were destined for hatred and didn't really give a shit. The fact that they actually became worldwide superstars despite their... OK, this isn't making sense.

RHCP were one of the best bands in the world in the mid-80s. If you saw them play a club with less than 500 people inside, you're not arguing with me. Maybe a dozen bands combined punk rock and musicianship to the degree we're talking about here: Bad Brains, Minutemen, Gang of Four (maybe)... but how many were all about fun? Like, partying fun. No politics, no rules, and definitely no clams onstage.Flea made the Red Hot Chili Peppers great, and not just fun. I know he's like a cartoon character at this point, but you had to take him absolutely seriously as a musician and force of nature back then. Were the songs good? Not really. Were things done in good taste? Never. What about the vocals? Easily top 5 technically worst singers of all time. But Flea (and by extension, the rest of the band) played so well that you couldn't ignore it, but so hard that you'd get knocked on your ass if you stopped to watch. Charles fucking Barkley.

Crowds at Chili Peppers shows got a bit dangerous. Before you begin lecturing on your high horse, I'm talking about the crossover factor; the whole frat punk thing. You had lots of drunk guys going to their first "punk rock" show, and losing their shit when some sweaty dude with a shaved head knocked their ass on the floor while they were trying to watch some music and maybe get laid. The "code" was lost and stupid fights replaced the occasional elbow in the back of your head. Oops.

Regardless, Flea's more than OK in my book. Mike Watt's cool for cool people; Flea's cool for himself.

So everyone knows about Raymond and Peter now, but there was actually a time when Shut Up Little Man! was considered underground. Easily one of the best recordings of the early '90s... I enjoyed the holy hell out of this thing with HSPussy for countless hours. If you want to learn something about the depths of humanity, here's a good place to start.

Luck of the Draw by Bonnie Raitt contains two of my favorite songs of all time. I've attempted both on karaoke stages, much to Brooklyn's chagrin.

Ramones.

Umm, I'm noticing that people talk about Otis Redding a bit less each year. Go buy something by the man (in a store!) and do something about this disturbing trend.

Now I get to talk about Lou Reed. What a fucking wacko. His records are as infuriating as the Velvets' stuff is great. I've come to the conclusion that Lou has ingeniously calculated and executed his entire career with the sole intention of frustrating his listeners. Sorry, but his "challenging" works along with his outright garbage just aren't outweighed by the rewards. I own pretty much all of his rock records, and I'll listen to Blue Mask, Rock'n'Roll Animal if I'm drunk, and about seven other cuts from the rest of his catalogue. The rest can go to hell.

Hey, don't forget about Pop Beloved by the Reivers!

I can still listen to either of R.E.M.'s first two records (or Chronic Town) at any moment and love them as much as ever. Fables sort of pisses me off, and Pageant is great but I don't really enjoy it as much as I used to. The rest can go to hell.

I love people that get wasted and start fights at parties talking shit about the Replacements. I truly adore this small subset of my address book.
I'm fairly certain that I once accidentally played Romantic Warrior by Return to Forever while trying to hook up with a girl and completely blew the gig. Like, I never saw the girl again.

I could bore the boxers off everyone on earth if I went on and on about how and why DJ Pete Rock makes my day, but I probably shouldn't. If you still don't believe that rap's the most innovative genre of our lifetimes, maybe you should spend a little time with this man.

Christ, the Stones too? I thought Big Hits... and Out of Our Heads were the coolest records ever when I was about 9 or 10 years old (I didn't realize the former was a collection). I used to stare at those album covers for hours.

I stared at a few Roxy Music album covers too, but not in quite the same way. My wife and I rarely actually listen to them together, but they're kind of an intense musical bond for us. Just the idea and sound of them is something we'll always understand and share.

I hope I don't need to explain my feelings about Rush to everyone reading this. Every once in a while I get a request to reprint my lost review of Signals, which I simply cannot do. I accidentally erased it while writing "live" on MySpace, or so I assume. The only thing left from that Friday night disaster was a piece of looseleaf with some scrawled notes and what appear to be forgery attempts of Andre Dawson's signature. This I can't explain.

Private Contour (6.30.11)

Since I've been appallingly slow with my "R is for Romantics" entry, I figure the least I can do is share one of my recent works of art with you. The piece below, entitled "Private Contour," is a series of chronologically consecutive photographs taken over an interval of 12 minutes. The shots were spaced randomly over said interval, and were activated using a "fabric friction" technique; no photos were taken manually (using hands). The fabric used was 100% polyester.

[^:^]

Still working on my stupid "R is for Raging Slab" entry... I'm considering changing my approach.

Not much else to report. It's been totally dead here in New York! Dying for baseball to start so there's something to be excited about sportswise.

In the meantime, I sure am enjoying the new Cosell book. Unbelievable guy. The image of Howard dragging a 50-pound tape recorder around scrounging up interviews is pretty great. That and puking all over Keith Jackson's pants in the MNF booth.

Too tired to chew. G'night.

Q is for Quarterflash

Yes I own this on CD.

The story of Quarterflash is one of the strangest and most tragic in rock history.  The Portland, OR outfit was big locally in the late 70s under their original Seafood Mama moniker, and became Quarterflash in 1980.  Led by Rindy Ross (vocals, saxophone) and her husband, Marv (guitar), the band went nationwide with a newly recorded version of "Harden My Heart" (a Seafood Mama staple) and their self-titled LP on Geffen.  "Heart" went to #8, the follow-up "Find Another Fool" hit #16, and the group's alliteration-fueled fortunes seemed destined for the top of the charts.

Unfortunately, this #1 came with a bullet.  Rindy Ross was mysteriously found dead in the garage of her band's road manager and accountant, Anthony Muskie.  No murder weapon was ever recovered, although stories swirled involving Muskie and husband Marv Ross as co-conspirators.  Her 1982 slaying remains unsolved.

Lost in the tragedy were the master tapes of Quarterflash's successor, which has languished in legal limbo for almost thirty years.  Next to nothing is known about the double album Coho (alternately titled "Kohoe"), as the surviving Ross has possession of the only known session recordings.  Anecdotal reports generally describe the record as brilliant, and similar to Tusk in style and sound.  The reformed touring version of Quarterflash, which features replacement singer and sax player Melinda Ross (who married Marv Ross in 1985), has maintained marginal success since the scandal and has yet to perform a single track from the Coho sessions.

OK, this story is complete bullshit... but I did in fact have a crazy dream about Quarterflash once.  I really do like their first record, but I guess it ends there.

So I've been using a fucking cane for over a month now.  After a few awkward days with the cane, I formed the following thoughts:

1) I'm gonna lose this thing in no time.  I'm terrible with umbrellas, something like -73 all time.  You'd think a cane would be really easy to just prop up when you're not using it, but it ain't.  They fall on the subway all the time, skitter down the aisle on the bus, and are absolute nightmares in public rest rooms.  Plus my kids love to run around the house with it.
2) I'm now walking the streets of New York with a weapon at all times.  My cane's lightweight, but I'm pretty sure I could fuck up a smartmouth kid or a slenderly built woman with it.  At worst, I can do some real damage to someone's windpipe before I'm arrested or beaten to a pulp.
3) This thing's really gonna get dirty.  It's being literally dragged through the streets of a filthy city.  Am I supposed to clean it when I get home?  Run it under a hose?  Nobody tells you things like this when you become disabled.

Oh yeah, any ideas about feeling sort of cool in an aristocratic kind of way are total bullshit.  Anyone that uses a cane without a real reason is an idiot, and that goes for Mr. Peanut, Pete Nice, and all the Droogs.

You'd have to be insane to not love the insanely great tapes of DJ Q-Bert.  I have the Demolition Pumpkin Squeeze Music one on CD, and I do in fact love it.

I'm not quite as crazy about Quasimodo, although I really do like the tracks (and Madlib, etc.).  I can't stand the vocals, which is probably why I strongly prefer the instrumental version of The Unseen.

I love the music and vocals of Quasi, who I know I saw at Brownie's and probably a few other places I can't remember.  A truly unique band.  Unfortunately, my advance copy of Featuring "Birds" has some kind of dark epoxy-like resin stuck to the bottom of it-- four of its tracks were deemed unimportable by iTunes.  Making matters worse, the song "Birds" was one of the damaged tracks, so I guess the whole concept of the album is shot.

I rarely listen to my Queens of the Stone Age CDs, and I can't seem to find any of my Queen CDs.  I probably had three, and I sure did like them.  Please advise if you borrowed or bought any Queen CDs from me.

Oh yeah, I once won a bet with a 13-year-old kid by successfully whistling the bridge to "Oochie Wally" by QB's Finest.  I would probably be in jail if I actually recited the lyrics to the child, but whistling was just fine.

P is for Police

Pretty pathetic, huh?  My newfound free time to work on stuff I haven't had time for, like my blog doesn't quite seem to be happening.  I guess the holidays, being a little sick, etc. has made a nice excuse for not doing jack shit on this self-aggrandizing CD collection idea.  I humbly beg your forgiveness and ask to you screw yourself at the same time.

Imagine my delight when Pansy Division's music pops up as I'm flipping through the Ps!  My old band had the privilege of playing with these guys, who apparently were/are mutual fans... One of those "somebody out there actually likes us" moments for a touring band starting to lose their minds on the road.

Remember Paris?  No, the rapper you eediot!  I loved driving around in my van listening to the 12" mixes of "The Days of Old" back in the old days, like any white guy would.  I guess being a big fan of Paris instrumental tracks doesn't exactly put me on any FBI lists, but damn if I won't slam "Bush Killa" through my speakers without warning.  I'll do it!!!

An inordinate amount of space on my hard drive seems to be expended on a dude named Anders Parker, who I may or may not have played drums with at some point.  If you're reading this and have somehow never listened to his music, by all means do so (and let me know how you possibly found this blog!).  If you're reading this and are familiar with the guy, check out a piece of his music you don't usually listen to and remember how good it is.  If you're not reading this and are a fan of his music, click here.

I was going to make a stupid joke involving Graham Parker and Charlie Parker, but decided against it.

Here's a challenge for all you readers: acquire the first six or seven Alan Parsons records (just don't go past Ammonia Avenue, whatever you do), listen to each a few times, and create a 60-minute mix of the very best stuff and mail it to me.  This isn't a joke!  I think anyone that does this can generate a collection superior than the ones out there now, and I just don't have time to do it.  There lots of great stuff to find!

Pavement had already peaked by the time S & E came out, and were long gone for Crooked Rain.  Pearl Jam, on the other hand, have released over 200 records since Ten.

I used to take Ambien and listen to Penguin Café Orchestra, and then groove to the Peshay CD.  No really.

I'm missing at least eight Pink Floyd titles on disc: Saucerful..., More, Meddle, Ummagumma, Animals, WYWH, and a bunch of other ones.  Was I really so broke/stupid/drunk/cool in the 90s that I traded all these in for an 18-pack of Stroh's?

So it's pretty cool that the Police made just five proper records and got the hell out, huh?  I don't really care much about Outlandos, but I think Regatta de Blanc (The White Boat) kicks some ass.  Stewart Copeland is a phenomenally underrated drummer.  Sure, his name comes up any time a bunch of dorks start talking about great drummers, but have you really listened to him?!  A true five-tool banger: chops, power, innovation, sound, and attitude.  Any three tracks from Zenyatta Mondatta will cover the spread.

But my favorite is easily Ghost in the Machine.  They clearly lost their minds on this one... Andy Summers was cozying up to Fripp in his spare time and Sting was about five French phrases away from exploding into pretentious oblivion (or oblivious pretension).  Ghost is part of the extraordinary Class of 1981, along with Abacab, Discipline, and Moving Pictures.  By the power vested in me by the region of Long Island, I now declare you professors of Prog-Rock-Pop... ["Long Distance Runaround" plays as the graduates file out of the auditorium]

You know, Robert Plant wasn't too far behind the aforementioned geniuses.  Pictures at Eleven was a bit cloddish, I suppose (with the exception of B-side "Far Post" LOVE IT!!!), but Principle of Moments is a true accomplishment.  Percy manages to create an ambient rock album devoid of any life whatsoever.  It's New Order to Joy Division's Zeppelin.

I have DJ Premier filed under P because it's asinine to have all these "DJ" artists all lined up like a bunch of idiots.  Also because he's probably the best working DJ out there.

I put "2000 Miles" on a Christmas mix I made last month, and reminded myself just how awesome the Pretenders used to be.  By the time I actually caught them live they had dudes with freaking dreadlocks in the band.  I guess it was either that or more heroin addicts?  Anyway, first record is pure genius, second is half genius and a member of the "We guarantee you'll skip the first song when it's convenient" club, and the third is really good but sort of empty and sad at the same time.

Do I really have to explain my relationship with Prince?  OK, everything's perfect until Lovesexy and after that I refuse to even discuss it.

These Ps just never end!  I already discussed Nation of Millions in my treatment of the Cs, but I'll add that Public Enemy means of heckuva lot to me.  When Chuck D made eye contact with me and said "Alright..." as I was dragged around the side of the stage and dumped out the back of the Civic Center like Anthrax's empty pizza box, I knew I'd sleep well for years to come.

O is for Outkast

The Os ain't exactly a treasure trove of great tunes, but we do have our moments here.  Outkast is one of the more obvious ones, of course.

Pick five people at random from a crowd of people and ask each of them what their favorite Outkast record is, and you're likely to get five different responses.  I've never actually tried this, but I'm pretty sure it would happen.  Maybe the hipsters pick ATLiens, the hardcore pick Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik, critics love Aquemini, but I just can't ignore Stankonia.  Sure, the critics love Stankonia too, but let's be honest here: it's a goddamn masterpiece.  Period.


Ripping up her record contract

Return to the 36 Chambers is a masterpiece too, even if it got overshadowed by the brilliance of Cuban Linx, Liquid Swords, and whatever your favorite Ghostface record is.  Flip on the ODB when you're lazy kind of stoned, and you won't argue much.

Boy do I love Roy Orbison!  I'd like to surgically remove the Travelling Wilburys from our cultural existence, but that's not his fault.  It's also not his fault that his divider card read "Roy Oribson" at the record store I worked at for years (my co-favorite along with "Mary J Bilge").

Let's pay tribute to Onyx, shall we?  I have countless hazy but wonderful memories of throwing "Slam" on and watching everyone bounce up and down like morons, splashing malt liquor all over whoever's house I was in.  I also made the mistake of cueing up "Blac Vagina Finda" at a few parties, resulting in my immediate ejection.

Who remembers Sinéad O'Connor?!!  Talk about here one day gone five years later... anyone out there own a copy of 2003's She Who Dwells in the Secret Place of the Most High Shall Abide Under the Shadow of the Almighty?  I saw ol' cueball at Jones Beach way back, and she really knew how to piss off a crowd.  Cursed like a fuckin' sailor, too.

Speaking of women named O'Connor with ridiculously great voices, I hope you all check out or have already checked out Jennifer O'Connor's stuff.  The Color and the Light's my favorite, but don't let me change your mind about anything.  JOC's a real good person too.

Anyone know what happened my Orb CDs?











Lulu

Didn't they know they'd stain the carpet?

A friend of mine recently came uptown to visit me and my kids and gave me a burned copy of Lulu, the collaboration between Lou Reed and Metallica. I'm pretty sure there are hundreds of burned Lulu CDs in fireplaces and incinerators across the country, but this one was actually meant to be listened to. It was also the only way in hell that I was going to devote any measure of time whatsoever to this ill-conceived, God-forsaken hunk of baloney.

This morning I boarded an M5 bus with about four passengers on it (no, this is not a math problem) and headed down RSD to go see the new Herzog documentary. Seeing as I was in a rather morbid mood, I decided to give Lulu a try at full volume. Turns out that the opening track "Brandenburg Gate" is really fucking good. In fact, I think it's a masterpiece. I've only listened to it twice, but you can quote me on this one.

Surely Lee's putting us on here, or setting us up for some kind of cruel joke... Right?

Nope, it really is brilliant. The rest of the record is absolute horseshit, which I'll get into a bit later. But "Brandenburg Gate" is seriously as good a track as this cursed partnership could conceivably produce. Let's pretend (wish?) we've never heard the record before, and list all the possible ways Lulu could have turned out:
1) Straight up Metallica riffs with Lou jive-talking semi-randomly on top. In other words, they each do their normal thing. [this is pretty much what the record is]
2) Atmospheric, highbrow artsy shit with occasional Reed-prose and metal/feedback bursts. Or, Metallica gets outside their box and Lou does his thing. [they do this on the record a bit as well]
3) Metallica Machine Music: Lou talks the Four Horsemen into an instrumental noise record, and immediately disowns and trashes the project upon its release, resulting in lengthy lawsuits by Metallica and Reed moving to Indonesia. [unfortunately not the case]
4) The five dudes just plug in and plow through a Ragged Glory-style sludge-cycle, bringing their individual strengths to the table but smashing their own tried & tired templates in the process. ["Brandenburg Gate"]

I have absolutely no idea what Lulu is supposed to be about (sounds like it has something to do with a girl, who might be a slut or possibly a masochist), so I don't really care about the lyrics a whole lot. I will say that Lou, in classic form, manages to outdo any parody/imitation of himself that anyone might throw at him. Ever think you're hilariously clever by pretending to be Lou Reed singing songs by other artists? Give it up, homeboy. Leatherface himself tops all with his "You are my Goliath... you are my Goliath" mantra on "Mistress Dread."

I'm not going to waste anyone's time ripping apart tracks 2 through 10 on Lulu, because any idiot with two ear canals can do it themselves. I'm just overjoyed that at the very least, if only for 4 minutes and 19 seconds, these numbskulls came up with something really exciting. Hey, maybe Lulu will spawn more absurd "mash-downs" in the near future? How about Randy Newman and King Crimson with their new release, Hollywood Serpent? Have you heard the new Al Jarreau & Yo La Tengo collaboration on Matador Records? I think it's called There Is A Street And Its Name Is Bop.

N is for Nas

Tough to talk about the N section of my music collection without Nas coming up.  He's easily got the most pieces, although Naughty By Nature's pretty damn close (how the hell did that happen?).  No, I don't own the Nirvana box set.

Illmatic put Nas in the hip-hop pantheon for life, and rightfully so.  There were plenty of great rap records in the 90s that were more daring, more groundbreaking, or just more plain old fun, but Illmatic's the critical purist's dream.  Smart, street, lean, and great fucking beats.

Max Schreck puttin' heads to bed.

No surprise that "Dr. Knockboots" never made another perfect record again.  One could make a great mix of highlights from the rest of his career (and more than one of these exist), but that's about it. Maybe he'll be the Dallas Braden of rap... well, probably not.

Much more interesting to imagine the future Nas nicknames.  Ever since Nastradamus dropped (I think I dropped mine in the garbage once), me and my boy Grit (keep ya head up, kid!) have been passing moniker-morphs back'n forth:

Nasferatu - Vampires are still trending, right?  This could be dope!  My long fingernails scratching in the night... I ain't a snitch but yo my bitches I might bite...  Some creepy Gravediggaz-style beats and this thing's on, although we just missed Halloween.

NasDAQ  "Toolz Of Tha Trade" - Might be a little tricky, but maybe some sort of anti-OccupyWallStreet angle?

Da Planet UraNas - A trip through the solar system, perhaps a different producer for each planet?

Goin' BanaNas - Full-on rap comedy album; could probably resurrect a few careers with this one, but likely to end his own.

Entre Nas - All French production team, maybe a lounge-electronica kind of vibe?  Guest spot by Wyclef?  Anybody still reading?

I always considered myself a fan of Napalm Death, but I can't find a single one of their recordings in my home.  I think this officially makes me a poser.

I could write for hours about N*E*R*D, but I have nowhere near the amount of drugs this would require.  Same goes for Neu!, Neurosis, and New Order.

Oh yeah, Nirvana.  Am I the only one that listens to Nevermind and wishes it sounded like In Utero, and then listens to In Utero and wishes the songs were as good as Nevermind?

The Nuggets box rules.  Those who say, "Yeah, but I'm just not into that kind of stuff..." should stand facing a mirror with their entire record collection behind them and say, "I guess I'm just not into rock and roll."