Our Savior

Giants fans, make your checks out to Lee Cyrus Mazzola Jr...

Pooper Bowl

Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven't written in so long! Diapers and spit-up... that's about it.

For the record, it's Giants 27, Pats 24. Don't ask me how they'll do it, but they will.

I'm having L.J. recreate his infamous hurl on my shirt at halftime.

By the time we get to Arizona…

God damn it, they did it. The Giants are in the Super Bowl.

You gotta admit, they've looked like a different team for the past month or so. Where'd it come from? Eli? Ahmad Bradshaw? Jessica Simpson?

The city of New York should be thanking me and the missus for producing the talisman of the Giants' season. Lee Jr. has watched Big Blue go 4-1, and that includes the Patriots game. He's a regular rabbit's foot. Shit, even the Knicks are winning since LJ hit town.

I had the kid by myself tonight for most of the game. I spent most of the second quarter fumbling around with diapers and baby bottles as LJ screamed his ass off. Then he puked all over my vintage Giants shirt during halftime (I wore my 90's Junior Seau jersey for the Pats-Bolts game). When the first-born masculine child yaks on your team's shirt at halftime, it's hard to go wrong.

Funny, Lee Jr's bottle feedings are absolutely identical to his dad's cough syrup jags from back in the day:
1) gulps down a four ounce bottle
2) pukes on floor of parents' house
3) leans back and squints at wall
4) puts on Isn't Anything CD (ok, he's not doing that yet...)

Glendale, here we come!!!

Friend, you’ve got to fall.

So the Knicks have actually won a few games lately. Their mini-hotstreak has earned them lots of "what-if's" (ESPN) as well as the usual derision (Pete C) from the rest of the world. I can barely stand to watch them any more (although I'm actually starting to like Nate Robinson).

The Knicks are like a hideous alcoholic friend (I accidentally typed "fiend" first, and almost left it). Every once in a while, the friend cleans up. We all talk about how good the friend looks lately. The friend is just buying himself a little bit of time.

“Millions of Young Abusing Cough Medicine”…

[this entry is by request]

... reads the shocking headline in the New York Times this week. Channel 7 also had a piece on the nightly news about it. Could it be true? Can you really get high off cough syrup?

People often ask me why I'm so wise to the world of over-the-counter DXM highs. Truth is, I never really had a choice or a chance.There are three clear and definitive indicators for high risk of cough medicine abuse:

1) the subject is a white male, age 15-35, and lives on Long Island.
2) the subject is in the <$15,000 annual income bracket. 3) the subject owns at least 75% of the E'G Records catalog. Why are people doing it? Well, there's something kinda nice about strolling into a CVS, Rite-Aid, etc. and doing a little shopping. Sorta like walking around a liquor store, but at about a sixth of the price. It's a classic suburban scene-- aisle after aisle looks the same, red carpeting, really bright lights, guys walking around in blue aprons with vacuum cleaners, Pringles potato chips, Fruit Stripe gum, a 79-cent Sprite, and a receipt. There's no worry about getting shit that doesn't work, arrested, beat up, none of that. Every bottle of cough syrup is exactly the same. If you're curious, Delsym ("agent orange") is totally the way to go. I innocently drank what seemed like 2 or 3 ounces when I was sick about two years ago (I'm NEVER sick), and got completely looped for at least two hours. No shit.

DJ BUTTAFINGERZ 1982 mix

Write me a message with your mailing address, and I'll mail you a DJ BUTTAFINGERZ "SCREWIN' UP THE OLDIES" 1982 mix CD. Absolutely free!

TOP 10 FILMS OF 2007

1. Eastern Promises
Like DC's best, this film is not too big and not too small. Viggo pulls off one of the most difficult roles (and scenes!) of the year.

2. No Country For Old Men
Exciting enough to keep us from sitting and worrying about where the film stands in the Coens' pantheon. That said, best since Fargo.

3. Inland Empire (12/6/06 limited release)
Rounds out the "modern masters" top 3. How did Laura Dern do it? I can't imagine not putting this on my list.

4. Michael Clayton
Gimme a few drinks and I might put this at 1. Truly innovative.

5. No End In Sight
Some unbelievable stuff here. Clearly presented and doesn't treat us like morons.

6. Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
I'm getting kinda sick of the guy, but Philip Seymour Hoffman is damn good.

7. Manufactured Landscapes
Best opening scene of the year. Best idea of the year.

8. Superbad
Too many films these days are placed alongside the teen classics of our own youth-- this one belongs there.

9. Rescue Dawn
Woulda been much higher if not for a jaw-droppingly stupid ending. Then again, maybe that's the way it really happened...

10. Children of Men
I'll get some grief for this pick, I'm sure. Maybe Atonement or Once was better-- didn't have time to see either one. Also heard the Donkey Kong documentary was great.

Isiah Thomas Marked For Death

Knicks may actually win tonight, but...

Things have been so insane for the past few days with these guys-- I can't believe I haven't said anything about it. I guess I had something better to do, like changing the litterbox or making late-night trips to the store for chocolate-covered pretzels.

I.
Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons got me going on the 5th with some garbage about us Knick fans not "suffering" as much as we complain to be. This guy currently has the Celtics kicking ass all over the NBA, the Red Sox (gulp) world champs, and the Patriots, um, destroying everything in their path. It's ridiculous.
Why now to pick on Knick fans?! He goes on to say, "They (Knick fans) will just have to figure out for themselves that they're lucky they don't live in Buffalo or Pittsburgh, where nobody hears you at all." Excuse me, I'm not "lucky" I don't live in Buffalo or Pittsburgh-- I choose not to live there. Every time someone has suggested that I move to Buffalo or Pittsburgh, I politely decline. It has nothing to do with luck.

II.
Mike Vaccaro wrote a "piece" in the Post blaming Knick fans for extending the current fiasco by supporting the team financially. He says:

"You can scream for Isiah's head. You can engage him at the games, get lectured about how to be a proper sixth man, the way that Mara Altschuler did Monday. You might think that helps. It doesn't.

Just by being there, you extend the misery. Indefinitely."

So we should boycott the team? Gimme a break. Going to the Garden and screaming for Isiah's heah feels really good. Maybe if we did it LOUDER and for the ENTIRE GAME they'd get the picture. We need to complain more, not walk away.

III.
Isiah's latest is the most insane of all. You thought he was nuts when he blamed the team missing layups on the fans (or, the "sixth man"? how about worrying about the third, fourth and fifth man before you start blaming us!)? Today he uncorks this bizarro classic:

"If there's one thing that I hope all of you know about me, or will learn about me, I fight 'til I die," Thomas said after his team practiced yesterday in preparation for tonight's game against Seattle. "It's not about giving up or quitting. To me, it's win or die. And I literally mean death. I don't mean walk away, I mean death."

He literally means death? Promise?

[the Knicks just lost 117-110 to Seattle]

Promise?

“Fire (at) Isiah!!!”

Me and the missus checked out our first (and probably last) Knick game at the Garden last night. Lee Jr. should be here any day now...

Easily the quietest, most despondent fans I've ever seen entering an arena or stadium. The key word here is entering. The game hadn't even started yet! The current Knick situation (for a while now) is actually worse than being a 2-18 team-- at least then you know some serious changes are on the way soon. But the Knicks do actually win every once in a while, and are so fucking delusional that they really believe they can be competitive. It's like long-term depression instead of horrible tragedy.

The pre-game featured some sort of Marine color guard with rifles marching out to center court. I fantasized that a firing squad was being assembled to execute Isiah Thomas. "They're really gonna do it, honey! The Knicks are finally getting rid of Isiah!" No such luck. Five minutes later, a 10 year-old girl was shrieking out the Knicks starting lineup.

Each Knicks has an official nickname now. This is nothing new for me-- I've had my own nicknames for these guys for years. Theirs are a bit different than mine: Steph "The Floor General" Marbury, Eddy "The Centerpiece" Curry, Jamal "The Closer" Crawford, and Isiah "The Architect" Thomas. How about David "The White Guy" Lee and Fred "Who?" Jones... what about Jerome "Six Million" James or Malik "Seven Million" Rose?

The Knicks were absolutely awful last night. Nobody (and I mean nobody) put in any sort of consistent effort in the entire first half. The only reason we weren't completely blown out by halftime was the fact that Philly was pretty awful themselves. The Knicks couldn't even hold on to the basketball-- I mean literally hold on to the ball. When Crawford and Jared Jeffries weren't bobbling the ball all over the court, they were air-mailing passes into the seats or right at Andre Miller. It got so bad that the mere mention of Jeffries's name on the PA caused mass booing, and he's the least of our damn worries.

Nate Robinson was the only watchable thing in MSG last night. Even the Knick City Dancers were a little off their game. Nate easily outscored and outhustled the rest of his team, and he didn't even come in until well into the 3rd quarter! They had just stopped selling the beer/pretzel mugs when Nate came into the game. I almost lost an arm reaching around the steel gate to get the change from my mug of Harp.

Facilities did everything in their power to keep angry Knick fans in their places. "Fire Isiah" chants were organically sprouting up all over the arena, only to be drowned out by random drum beats blasting out of the sound system. Totally insane. I'd like to see the memo issued to the audio guys in the booth by Dolan for all recent home games.

Dolan was at the game, for once. He quickly issued a statement after the game that Isiah's job was "not in jeopardy." Maybe Dolan was getting blown in a VIP box somewhere, because the game I saw had "jeopardy" written all over it.

We took the emergency stairwell out of the Garden (as we always do) after the game. Some guy was staggering down the endless flights right behind us, ranting about "getting rid of Isiah and everybody that has anything to do with him... Let Herb run the damn team again." The guy was actually talking some sense. Things have gotten so bad that we're dying to have Herb Williams coach the team.

Yes, I am an idiot.

6:28 to go in the 3rd... Suns by 2.

I'm officially predicting a Knick victory.