Sunday, October 19, 2008

I hate Starbucks

What else am I supposed to do at 7:30 in the morning? I took LJ up the hill to Starbucks to, um, buy something. I rolled him up to the counter and:

ME: Gimme a ice-venti-redeye-unsweetened-with-room.

HIM: (beep-beep-bebeep) Whoa, you sure you want ice, man? It's cold out there, bro.

ME:

HIM: OK. Can I get you anything else?

ME: Yeah, I'll take a sausage and egg sandwich too.

HIM: Are you sure you don't want to try one of our new flatbread focacta sausage blah-blah's instead?

ME:

HIM: OK. What's your name?

We'll stop here.

1. If I had the energy and/or desire to talk to an idiot in a green hat at 7:30 in the morning, I wouldn't be at Starbucks.
2. If I wanted to make friends, I wouldn't be at Starbucks.
3. Why did you call me "bro"?

For every 30 minutes we save at places like this, we cost ourselves an hour of existential anguish. At least I do.

2 comments:

spacejace said...

I hear you but this country needs Starbucks. I tell you I lived down South for a while and in the mid-atlantic are for a while and this is to say nothing of all the road trips. As a touring musician, I'm sure you know where I'm going w/ this: from the late 80's, on through the 90]s - and until Starbucks's plopped down almost everywhere, ALL YOU COULD GET TO DRINK SOUT OF THE MASON DIXON LINE WAS FUCKIGN BROWN BREAKFAST DRINK!!! Road side service stations, diners, small towns, that's it: BROWN GODDAMNED BREAKFAST DRINK. There wasn't then, and there still aren't enough 'mom & pop,' slacker-run, reject-ravers and retread white rastafari morons on this planet to operate as many coffee shops as Starbucks operates. This is the bottom-line reason I'm a fan of Starbucks (I'll always prefer a mom & pop joint, as long as they're not "back in 5 minutes"): you can get great, consistent, coffee in dozens of states you simply could not get coffee in last decade. And for the "I hate starbucks coffee" contingent out there: there are 30+ brews. FIND one you like. I can help you. Saying that is tantamount (?!) to saying, "I hate rap" or "I hate pop music" or "I hate Whorecore, Shorecore and Ignorecore." No 'fell swoops' around here (unless you're talking about ripping republicans): you gotta find the good amongst the 'all.' Almost all the Starbucks around me are great, and the people are awesome.

Lee Mazzola said...

Well, this schmuck was neither great nor awesome. I hope he burns his fucking hand in a chai accident.

I don't drink coffee anyway.